Crisis Intervention Summit

So Have Shut Up Shop Here

2008-01-05T01:50:00.000Z

But I am back at a new location with a blog that suits me more. Have disabled any comments so there is no follow up and the links have changed from yesterday, sorry. Any problems mail me at 999.rachel@gmail.com and will be sure to send you the link.
Sorry if it seems really vague, just the way things have to be.
Thanks for following my diatribe, here's to the future.
Rachel
xxx

My Last Post

2007-12-27T18:37:00.000Z

It's been a good Christmas, no fights or fall outs, great presents and good times. For once I have managed to pull it off purely as the three of us wanted, our rules and our own way. We spent Christmas eve with my parents and it was lovely, my Mother managed not to be too crazy. Ex-Boyf came for the Chrtistmas Day armed with fantastic presents, a case of wine for me and some hunter wellies, CK pyjama bottoms and other lovely stuff. We all just chilled and ate, played backgammon and drank vast quantities of gorgeous wine. He stayed the night, which has not happened since we broke up and it was just lke the old times together.

Now the big Christmas rush is over it has left me thinking about the last year. New Years is often a time of reflection for me, look back over the last year and make some heartly plans for improvement for the next.

One thing is clear though, I have spent the last 12 months living by other people's rules, supressing my opinions and thoughts, not really being me, just being the person that others wanted, when they wanted me, and struggling through the times I found myself alone.

My ex-relationship dilema has taken up the last 2 1/2 years of my life, I am now more resolved that ever to have a fresh start, move on, despite the shag fest that was Christmas night. I have been hurt more than I have ever experienced before, repeatedly, and each time to breaking point. I have been too scared to move forwards for fear of losing what I thought I had, but in reality I have realised that it wasn't on my terms.

Several friendships have changed, become more distant, and I have clung on to them trying to salvage the remnants, at my own expense becoming more and more disillusioned each time.
It's time to let those friends go.

So the mantra for the New Year is 'What Is Best For Me'. And once I realised where the changes need to be made, the decision was easy. I need a new job, away from ex-boyf, a different way to live my life, friends that don't drain me but nourish and nurture me, oh and a kick ass relationship that doesn't supress me and allows me to be the tree-huggy weirdo that I probably am.

I am shutting this blog down now so this is my last post, starting up another with a more positive vibe, less of the Crisis Intervention and more of Rach Shakes Her Booty at the World.

In the meatime have a Cool Yule, and get some serious chilling done.
x

Oh and a very happy New Year.
xx

2007-12-11T22:00:00.000Z

I'm still here, just finding breaking up hard to do! Why does it have to be so hard????? Answers on a postcard please!
x

Seriously........?

2007-12-06T09:58:00.002Z

Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas and all that goes with it, and I'm not all 'BAH HUMBUG' either but I just don't get the fascination for decorating my house like this. We have a road near us where the residents hire an external generator to power up their decs, transform the houses to some gaudy, obscene Santa's delight. It is mesmorising to behold, in a car crash sort of way, you don't want to look but it is just too ridiculous to turn away. Maybe age has altered my opinion of Christmas but I just love the tasteful decs that put a smile on your face and a warm glow inside, or is that the mulled wine? Happy decorating!

First Of All Baby I've Got Enough Meat On Me That It's Alright!

2007-11-29T11:17:00.000Z

I Need A Holiday

2007-11-26T14:26:00.001Z

Another manic weekend draws to a close and it has left me yearning to get away. My house has been full all weekend, of a girlfriend and her kids seeking some respite from a badly behaved partner, another girlfriend mourning the death of a friend, an ex-boyfriend and his kids looking for a meal they don't have to cook and phone calls and texts from Ex-Boyf on the Isle of Wight. I turfed out meal after meal, opened another bottle of wine and made countless cups of tea - the only solution to life's dilemmas!!!! Anyone wanting to sleep first had to find a bed and not get out otherwise someone else would get in. But if I speak honestly, I have loved it. Although, when I did finally get the house to myself, at 10pm last night, it was time to exhale a huge sigh of relief.

My craving for solitude took me to the gym this morning where I could immerse myself in the treadmill and exercise my way back into the skinny jeans that have been lurking in the back of my wardrobe for the last few months. Except I ran into the sous chef from the last restaurant I ran, a girl I used to nurse with in Intensive care about 12 years ago, my old 'screaming gaylord' of a boss, my fitness instructor, an old friend who I no longer speak to and several restaurant customers of mine. So all in all, looking like utter crap, no make-up on and very sweaty with a blotchy purple face is not how I want to be remembered. Seems like I'm going to have to glam up for the gym now!

Alternatively, pack the bags and the honeys too, book a holiday somewhere remote and exotic where only my children know my name and get that solitude right into my life!

It's great to dream!

Champagne and Toy Boys

2007-11-22T10:09:00.000Z

It's been a crazy week. Managed to sneak some time away at the weekend with Ex-Boyf kid-sitting from Saturday night to Sunday evening. Left town too which was fantastic and headed to Swanage with Manda, to her apartment on the beach, drunk lots of champagne and chilled out.

Last night, us girls headed to Cafe Shore for a 'Pink Party' which involved lots more champagne. Now I am not especially good on champagne, tend to get a little 'feisty and spirited' although I love drinking it. The night passed smoothly and the champagne was guzzled and everyone was having a lovely time, until............

Him: "You are lovely, can I be your Toy Boy"?

Me: "Seriously? You have to be kidding, you are about 12".

Him: "No I am 20 but would love to be with you"

Me: "No way, you are just too young"

Him: "I've had older women before and I love the knowledge and experience they have".

Me: "Good for you, it's not happening, it's too freaky for me, sorry".

Him: "There's nothing freaky about it, it would be good fun for us both".

Me: "A little word in your ear sunshine........how old is your Mother"?

Him: "40"

Me: "Well I'm 41 and there's something not right about wanting to shag someone your Mother's age so get a ******* grip".

Think I was right?
Luckily I was saved by Ex-Boyf who arrived to drive me home. At 37, he's a proper man, just not my man, but a real one all the same!

Am Now Convinced There Is Something Wrong With Me............

2007-11-15T21:28:00.000Z

because today I have surpassed myself in the 'weirdy stakes'.
Last night a girlfriend, who has moved in for a week or so until she gets another house, and I sat up quoffing deliciously large amounts of red wine and sorting out her website/blog which I have put together for her (check it out here and let me know what you think, and I know it is a lot like my blog but this is the only template I know how to edit html on)! She turned in at midnight and like an absolute muppet, I stayed up till 3am tweaking things around.
At 10am, yes and slightly hungover, I had my BUPA healthcheck at the gym I have just joined; you know the height, weight, heart and lung function overhaul. I am a little podgy, from 2 months of enforced wheat eating, but that I knew already. My blood pressure was high at 140/85 and she commented on this, but I didn't have the heart to tell her it was probably severe dehydration from the bottle + of rioja last night so kept quiet.
This is my point though, I was late by 30 minutes, for my healthcheck with the FEMALE fitness centre because I HAD TO PAINT MY TOENAILS just in case my trainers had to come off- did I think she would comment on a month's worth of overpainting and judge me for it?

The weird thing is that I didn't pluck my eyebrows, put ANY make-up on or have a shower before I went. I looked and felt like utter crap, but with neat feet!

Doing It With My Knickers On Fire

2007-11-14T09:18:00.000Z

"It's better to leave a blazing trail than no trail at all".

This has always been my mantra, and I have left blazing trails all over the place. I've struggled to accept the consequences at times of not really thinking something through. It is just my nature to be this way, the same with my younger brother, we are born of a gentle and caring father and a feisty and unpredictable mother, so I hope we have inherited some of each of their traits.

I don't want to be different to who I am in any way, don't want to have to change my opinions or views to suit others, modify my behaviour to appease people who don't know me, but chances are, will judge me anyway.

I just love this song, and although Robbie is not a great singer, it is everyword I could ever say about my life.

I'm going to carry on doing it WITH MY KNICKERS ON FIRE!

Going Round And Round In A Rather Large Circle

2007-11-11T23:17:00.001Z

As most of you die hard catastrophe lovers will know I started this blog 18 months ago as therapy from a relationship that had just ended. I was heartbroken and distraught, as we all have been at some point in our lives. You have watched me go back time and time again, offered words of encouragement and been there to pick up the pieces when it all went wrong again........without judgement, and for that I love you.

Ex-Boyf and I have been apart for a couple of months now, establishing our friendship on a new level, getting on with getting on with each other and behaving appropriately. It has taken me a long time to figure out why I haven't been able to detach and move on. We still work together in an office of just us 2, with me caring for his gorgeous dog at least 6 days out of 7. He drops her off in the morning and picks her up at night and so 6 days we are together in some shape or form, either sharing a glass of wine at the end of the day or me waking to find him sat on my bed, gently trying to rouse me into the world that is MORNING! And I have been glad to do that, loving having her in my house, enjoying taking her to the beach for walks. But this is not about the dog and I, this is about him and I, how we weren't ready to walk away from each other.

I realise that I have to make the break from the present situation, because I will never move on until this arrangement ends and I question whether I can stand to lose the pup, but then I realise that my heart can take it, it isn't quite whole yet from our breakup. In August last year, I posted this -

I just want to feel safe

I want to look in the mirror and know who I am

I want to grow and know myself more

I want to expand my map of the world

I want to explore the depths of meaning and purpose

I needed to know we were treading the same path, together

I needed to know we were moving forwards

I needed to feel the oneness

I needed to connect with you

And because we are not there anymore

Because it has all changed now for me

I have to go, to a different place

I have to make my life as it should be

I need to not be the person I was

But the person I am

So my heart will break because I will miss you

And it will be then, when I shed the old scarred skin

That I will become the person that is ME

I know that my hands will never hold something new

Until I let go of the thing I have been so tightly holding on to

And I would rather regret what I did
Than something that I did not do

So we three say Goodbye to you

You have started us on the journey

And we have to continue to follow our dreams

This is about me wanting more for us

Something deeper, something true

and I still believe it now. We have evolved into the same relationship we had before, I am there and always accessible, I have become a Mother figure, a nurturing, calming presence. So I now have to withdraw and it breaks my heart that I will lose one of my best friends. When I look back over this blog, my 'break up shit' (go here) spells the same message, I wrote poetry to express my feelings which were the same 18 months ago. Am I a fool to have not learnt my lesson so quickly? No, maybe it has taken this long to reach the conclusion that I am ready to leave, to finally let go.

I was desperate to write tonight, words that would flow from my heart, explain my feelings, more tree-huggy poetry. Maddie says it all, but my words are this.

I am not bitter at all but you should know that:

Secretly, under the mask I wear so well, I am heartbroken because I loved you with all my heart and soul
Your choices mean that I will never be yours to have again!
I am reclaiming the right side of the bed as mine
I will reclaim my life as my own
My hopes and wishes are still mine
You have to let me go because someone is waiting for us 3..........
It's time to let me go!

Death Star Canteen - Eddie Izzard

2007-11-09T10:36:00.000Z

Have a cool weekend!
x

I am just really happy......drifting.

2007-11-06T09:36:00.000Z

For the whole of my adult life I have worked my ass off. From 17 to 30 I was a nurse, the last 8 years of that time spent working as a Senior Nurse in Intensive Care units in Poole, London and Australia. At 30 I became a mum, of 2 feisty gorgeous daughters whom I have raised single handed with little support. At 35 I went back to work, starting part-time and ending up running a bar and restaurant and averaging 70 hour weeks. And latterly I find myself just drifting.

Before you think this is Rachel going over to the 'WOE IS ME DARK SIDE', don't panic. I am happy, content and relaxed. Or am I? True I have no career path to follow, true I am considering starting up my own business as a book-keeper, true I still work part time for Ex-Boyf doing his accounts, true I also spend a considerable amount of time 'fannying' around and accomplishing very little, but I am chilled. My house is tidy, laundry is up to date, we all eat healthy well prepared meals, emails answered for the first time in years. I have had much of this year to invest, in myself and my children. They are benefiting from the time I have been able to give them. But it is now November and I am yet to decide on the new direction we should follow. I know the time is coming for me to get back in the real world again, forge ahead with a new job, maybe start my own business, get dating again, plan next year's holiday etc. The difficulty is that when you have a period of chilling out, it is so easy to become so relaxed that you just become COMPLACENT.

When I look back on this year it has been a really tough one, but then, they all seem to be don't they. It's not often you hear friends say that this has been the best year of their lives! I am still alive and grateful for what I do have. I was talking with 2 girlfriends yesterday, one out of a relationship where her partner cheated on her, the other sticking with a husband who did the same. The first girlfriend said that I should be grateful that I had my children as a result of my relationship as she had missed the boat and was now too old. My reply to her was that I was grateful and thankful for my honeys, how they have completed my life, bought me joy and happiness beyond belief but there was one thing she should understand........every relationship I have had over the last 7 years since my divorce has ended because of, inspite of and despite my children. It all comes down to choices at the end of the day. My girlfriends are making their choices as I have done, I stand by mine, and although I genuinely believed that post divorce family life would be better than it has for my honeys, it is still the right decision for us 3.

I am at the gym 3 times a week, not kicking the ass out of the running machine, but doing Tai Chi and yoga, contemplating stopping smoking AGAIN and cutting down on my delicious red wine. Bedtime is before midnight for once and I am sleeping the sleep of the dead, waking up feeling healthy and losing weight too. I think Ex-Boyf is seeing someone else, which upset me but made me even more determined to move forwards.

So with the word 'COMPLACENCY' ringing in my ears, it is decision time. Time to get the suit dry cleaned, swop the baggy jeans and combats for something a little sharper, and re-emerge with a new direction.

IT'S TIME TO GET BACK IN THE GAME!

2007-11-02T16:37:00.000Z

Woman stands nude in front of a mirror and says to her husband

"I look horrible, fat and ugly....pay me a compliment"

Husband replies...Well your eyesight's spot on!!

Have a good wkend.

I Want To Be On Strictly Come Dancing!

2007-10-30T08:43:00.000Z

The Honeys and I are obsessed. What is our fascination? Each weekend we watch the heats on Saturday night and the results show on Sunday. I don't know what it is with watching 'Celebrities' learning to dance, sometimes making complete fools of themselves and other times pulling off spectacular performances that blow my mind. Maybe it's wanting to see them fail, or mess it up, or maybe it's just the dream of pure Hollywood glamour. I want the glittery dress, the moment spinning around on the dancefloor to rapturous applause, the perfect scores of 10, 10 and 10 from the judges. I want to pull off a major transformation like Laila Ali, world champion boxer and daughter of Mohammed Ali, glammed up and shimmying the hell out of it with style and perfect legs!

Now I am not a fan of X-Factor, Britain's got talent etc, but there is something too about watching for the first time, as a simple person, with an ordinary job, walks out on stage, and just stuns everyone. Take the case of Paul Potts, a salesman from the Carphone Warehouse, who after winning one of these shows, now has his own album and major new career. Watch and enjoy, I just love Simon Cowell's face, one of those priceless moments on TV.

But I have to say that this little girl bought tears to my eyes, Connie, aged 6. It's amazing what the ordinary folk can do don't you think?

That Was The Week That Was............

2007-10-28T12:43:00.000Z

Monday at the hospital went well, although I don't have Coeliacs disease just a severe intollerance to wheat and gluten. I had 7 biopsies taken and swallowed the scope with no sedation whatsoever. Note to you all: TAKE THE SEDATION, IT IS THERE FOR A REASON, AND DON'T BE A SMARTASS LIKE ME! This week has been good because I have been able to go without both of these poisons as all the tests have been done; life can return to normal. I feel so much better, trimmer and starting to lose the 14 lbs I have gained over the last 2 months filling myself with wheat and gluten for the tests.

My honeys had a rare holiday at my parents for 3 days leaving me time to recover and relax a little. It is amazing to live in a house where everything is where you left it, and there are no dirty socks anywhere.

I had a hot date on Wednesday with a barrister from London, which was the worst date ever. He arrived absolutely wankered at 9pm, and continued to deteriorate, alternating between his pint of beer and large glass of white wine. Cute guy and lots of sparkle and charisma, probably alcohol induced though. As the conversation continued I discovered that through choice, he defends Paedophiles who are reoffending, earns a fortune for, apparently, 'selling his soul to the devil'. As he lost all ability to speak coherently, I bolted home leaving him sitting in the gutter hugging his knees and rocking back and forth! The following message was sent to him soon after:

"I cannot see you again for the very reason that I detest and abhor everything about your job. What are you going to tell me when you come home from work and I ask you how your day has been? The reason you drink so much is to get some peace of mind to allow yourself to sleep and forget the horror of what you see at work. How can you talk to these people, defend them? I know that someone has to defend, or there will not be a trial, but seriously.......WHAT THE F*** IS WRONG WITH YOU? So I cannot see you again, until such time as you are prosecuting these sick people who rob our children of life and innocence, putting them behind bars and using your education and knowledge to make a difference in this crazy sick world".

That was it, word for word. Obviously he had memory loss too because he rung the next day, saying he really enjoyed our evening and would love to see me again. I don't think so.........nutter!

Ex-boyf and I are getting along great, he knows I am dating and seems cool with that.....on the surface though. We still see each other every day and that is fine too because we both genuinely feel love for each other. I don't know how it would be without him around, he is not letting that happen. He says that it is his responsibility to care for us 3 until I meet someone else who I love.

So the dating then? Well several very cute guys are around and about, although I am wondering if I am ready yet, or is is too soon? Have decided to get out there and see what happens anyway so will keep you posted on more bad dates from the dark side of hell, or hopefully the odd good one too!

Wish Me Luck

2007-10-21T22:09:00.000+01:00

Am off to hospital for a biopsy tomorrow so will be out of bloggy action for a few days. It will help me to coming one step closer to knowing what I can and can't eat, and which of the foods I adore are the ones that are destroying my insides. Will keep you posted.
x
Rach

2007-10-16T16:32:00.000+01:00

Autumn Classes for Men at
THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Monday, Oct 29, 2007

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

I Watched England v France And Fell In Love

2007-10-13T23:10:00.002+01:00

Last night seemed to be rather a legendary one.......again........(due to Jay and his cheap premium vodka, go down 3 posts and you will see why). Anyway, essential TV for the week includes only a few programmes which I will walk over hot coals to watch: Greys Anatomy, Gordon Ramsay's 'The F Word', The West Wing and Strictly Come Dancing. I settled in to watch SCD (alleged Celebs dance their asses off to see who's best) with the honeys, a glass of red wine, great lamb casserole and furry blankets. Ex-boyf had been in for a while and gone leaving us 3 girls. Everyone was heading to the Cow to watch England v France at Rugby but no sitters meant I had a love in on the sofa and TV. SCD was fantastic and then shortly after the fun started with rugby time.

I have to say with complete conviction that I absolutely and totally fell in love with Sebastien Chabal, French Rugby Player.............. 'The Caveman', notorious bad boy and demi-god.

By half time I was in serious danger of literally having an orgasm in front of my children and so had to pack them off to bed.
England won, of course, although it was a pretty tight game, but to be honest I could barely tear my eyes away from the physical form tearing across the pitch. So very 'Rasputin' don't you think?

He has a tattoo on his thigh that makes me swoon to absolute oblivion........ this man is GOD! And I would say 'Lucky Madame Chabal' but seriously how could you ever keep a man as wild and beautiful as this!

Could you imagine getting down and dirty with a man like that? I can barely speak a word!

Why do some women's libido go off the scale at 40, you know the libido they didn't have in their twenties, and why do I have to be one of them? Am I the only one?

Guts Or Balls?

2007-10-12T08:37:00.000+01:00

We've  all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you 
really know the difference  between them? In an effort to keep
you informed, the definition for each is  listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being met by your wife with a  broom, and having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your
wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both
ultimately result in death.

Have a good weekend!

So A Typical Day At Work Then!

2007-10-09T21:27:00.000+01:00

Have been working a couple of days a week in a restaurant for some friends and today was an 'enlightening' one. It rained and so the restaurant was quiet, which is very rare, as usually it is all systems go from 10.30am until last man standing.

To fill the time I listened to my SCREAMING GAYLORD OF A BOSS while he regailed me with his latest sexual antics and general misuse of class A drugs whilst being an utter MAN WHORE. Mmmmmm, sort of turned my stomach a little. At this point just have to let you know that I am completely un-homophobic in every way, but just don't want to be discussing anal sphinctor spasm while I am having my Wild Mushroom and Parsnip soup. Anyway, that aside, we got onto the subject of our most 'erotic music videos' and as usual everyone trotted out their faves.

Now I have 2, the first is blatantly obvious to any female unless you come from the planet Zog, it just blows my mind completely to utter pieces. D'Angelo at his most brillianty finest!

And the second is a surprising choice, but I am sticking to my guns on this one, maybe even better than the first video. There is something about rock stars, gold spray paint, knee high white boots and a tightly packed thong to inspire creative thought! I think there's something seriously wrong with me!
Watch and enjoy, and should you lack inspiration, check out 2 mins 01, oh and 2 mins 16 while you are at it, and just for luck have a goggle at 2 mins 33. I find this video so erotic I can barely speak..........Red Hot Chilli Peppers are rockin', and Anthony Kiedis - you look good baby!

At this point I should say to all male readers that I prefer men with a few wobbly bits above their belt and an ass you can park a bike in so don't start getting all 'freaked out on me'.

I NEED TO GET LAID........AND PRETTY SOON!

As Predicted.......The Excess Button Was Pushed

2007-10-08T11:31:00.000+01:00

The weekend was a mad one with me managing to factor in 2 remarkably large nights out.
Friday was drinks with Mads and Manda in our local pub, and what we thought would have been a reasonably quiet one turned rather messy. One of our friends, a South African guy called Jay, was working behind the bar and at the fantastic price of £6 for 3 large vodkas, we troughed our way through the evening before heading to a late night wine bar which resembled a house party in my kitchen.......lots of friends and party people. Saturday morning found me feeling slightly ragged but pulled off 'good mummy' followed by watching England cream Australia at rugby in another bar.
Home for a quick change and back out for quiet hangover drinks with Manda.

Somewhere around 1am, it all went a little tits up and we found ourselves at a house party held by deep sea divers lasting until 5am. Mmmmmm! My honeys were at a sleepover and after picking them up Sunday lunchtime, doing a major food shop and getting all homework done, we all crashed on the sofa with a roast chicken dinner and Strictly Come Dancing followed by Dodgeball, which I think has to be one of the funniest films I have seen for ages.

So now it's Monday morning, have just returned from the hospital with Boo, who needed x-rays for bruised wrists, incurred falling off the monkey bars on Saturday. She's now at school, I'm home with an immense cappuccino, bit of a late onset hangover and poached eggs on toast. Life returns to normal with work, laundry and mommy stuff, but I love it all.

In summary: One kick ass weekend.
I learnt: Flu Meds and vodka work well together
I regret: Little sleep and the odd cigarette.

I'll Trade You Anything For All This Snot!

2007-10-04T19:35:00.000+01:00

It's about a month since I decided to stop smoking. I was really not enjoying it anymore and started to feel crap from smoking. On the whole am doing pretty well, most days I don't smoke at all, don't want to and have no urges to light up. Other days are not as good and I may have one or two, regretting each one. But I am getting there, slowly breaking the old habits and times when I would normally reach for my tobacco and lovingly roll another cigarette that will shorten my life by approx 5 minutes.
I have been smoking for 20 odd years so can either go cold turkey and suffer or take time to realise why I am smoking and put myself in another place at cigarette time.

True to form, probably attributed to the arrival of autumn, I have got a stinky cold with watery eyes, streaming snotty nose and sore throat. Not helping in my recovery is the detox of my tar infested lungs from not chuggging on cigarettes every day.
Have slept all day on and off, really struggling now, at 7pm, the honeys bath and bed time, but will dose myself up and crawl under my duvet for an epic rejuvinating sleep lasting hopefully about 12 hours.
Tomorrow night have planned an epic night with the great Maddie G, former blogger and best friend, so it will be polypharmacy of anti flu meds combined with the odd vodka or two. Our nights out are less frequent than they used to be but still resemble a van load of calamity going over a cliff at alarming speed. Can see it ending in disaster but will keep you posted.

The Size Zero Battle Rages On.........

2007-09-30T19:05:00.000+01:00

I am really pleased to read today in the Sunday Times that Miuccia Prada, head of the Prada fashion house has cast a runway model with a 34 inch bust to model for her fashion shows. This decision follows the death of 3 South American size zero models recently. How long before Victoria Beckham, Nicole Ritchie, Nicole Kidman and other celebs start dropping dead too? Will we then realise how this situation has gone too far?
As a parent, I applaud these vid clips, especially as my honeys are 11 and 12 and starting to become very conscious of how they look. I don't want to signal to them that being rake thin and malnourished is the way forward for glamour. We watched them both tonight, and quite frankly, they were surprised. They saw what they haven't been allowed to see...................

And they have no idea what really goes on with those glam mags they buy.......

I have always been a big girl, at 5 ft 9 in and UK size 14, I have struggled to maintain my weight. In the last few years, since my divorce, I have realised that men do actually prefer curves, tits and ass, and as the proud owner of all 3 of those attributes, am loving loving. It all comes down to self confidence at the end of the day, when we stand naked at the end of the bed, with the lights on, anxiety coursing through our veins, sucking it up completely, what goes through our minds? Do we think how we look really matters? To us it does, but in reality men don't see it that way, it is more of a turn off to have their woman apologising for the sorry state of her thighs.

So a message to all women, for us.......

"Size zero is out, it is unrealistic and unachievable, celebrate your body and it's uniqueness, get your clothes off, jump into bed with the gusto of a hurricane and get 'down and dirty' in spectacular style, oozing self confidence from every pore. There will always be a skinnier woman at the beach that makes us feel inadequate, then again there will always be a larger woman cursing our curves".

And our kids......

"Raise your children to believe in their inner beauty and fill them with the self awareness to see through the standards society sets out as the norm".

Rant over!

Html-ing My Ass Off

2007-09-29T00:17:00.001+01:00

Have had 2 evenings of utter bloggy heaven.....how sad is that. Have new template and all done by my own hand, loving every minute of it. It's still a work in progress so judge not! Nothing would have been possible without the help of this UTTER GENIUS , so go and check him out. Click on his adsense ads or something but read and learn. Have a cool wkend blogsters!

Note to self: 'You probably need to get a life soon Rach, it's midnight on Friday night and you are still in your work clothes'.

To All Absent Parents Everywhere!

2007-09-27T08:42:00.001+01:00

This weekend is the first visit my honeys have with their Father since he dumped them in the garden in the dark a few weeks back. They are changing their opinions of him, slowly coming to view him as not really that good at Fatherhood for the one day every 3 weeks that he allocates to them. It has been difficult to try and restore their self esteem and self confidence but we are slowly getting there. Now they don't want to see him at all, the damage is done, he has had so many chances with them and failed on each count. I am terrified they will grow up thinking that all men leave and terrified that I will let slip the contempt I have for this 'alleged Father' of theirs. They can probably sense my vibes anyway so I am terrified of indoctrinating my daughters with negativity towards him. Last week Em, my nearly 12 year old, asked me to find her a better father because the one she has "isn't good enough"! They are doing well though taking tiny steps in this crazy world, learning aboout choices and consequences, learning to stand up for themselves and speak their minds.

Knock Knock!

I will try and protect you from this pain!

Bravo to my honeys, I love you. x

Marriage As A Horse Race

2007-09-21T18:46:00.000+01:00

(Commentator's voice):

Welcome to the 3rd race at the HONEYMOON IS OVER DERBY.

They're at the gates and they're off.
Jumping out into the lead is Romance and Affection with Domestic Bliss in close behind. It's Romance and Affection and Domestic Bliss a close second. And here comes Marriage Vows, Immediate Child, with Romance and Affection falling off quickly. Late starter Mortgaged Up The Ass overtaking Domestic Bliss and here comes Nasty Attitude followed by More Children and Drinking Heavily.
Coming down the back stretch Drinking Heavily moving out in front of Mortgaged Up The Ass, but coming up strong along the outside is Credit and Shambles. Credit and Shambles followed by I Don't Give A Shit, Nasty Attitude and Up Yours Keep. Up Yours Keep challenging for a second going into the clubhouse turn, passing on the rail is I Don't Give A Shit, taking the lead, followed by The Bloody House, You Cook Like Shit and I Fucked Your Brother. Here they come spinning out of the turn, and it's I Don't Give A Shit still up in front, Up Yours Keep challenging for the lead, it's Up Yours Keep and I Don't Give A Shit neck and neck.
And down the stretch they come, Up Yours Keep is pulling away from I Don't Give A Shit by a length. Coming on strong is I Am Out Of Here and passing the pack is The Bloody House.

And at the wire it's
Up Yours Keep, The Bloody House, I Don't Give A Shit and I'm Out Of Here.

Have a cool wkend.
x

Starting On The Bottom Step......

2007-09-19T17:17:00.000+01:00

Have completely bummed myself out over the weekend listening to too much slitty wristy music on my iPod and drinking too much red wine..........again and being an over-analytical tree-hugger (no change there then)! In reality the last few months have just exhausted me, and in the last week have found myself without the two key people in my life for the last few years, exboyf and best friend and have felt quite desolate at times. My relationship with exboyf is good, we still work together and see each other a lot, we have had a Sunday Sofa Evening too but strictly friends. There are times at work when I see him glance at me, or walk past and smell him, and I feel overcome and utterly heartbroken. I miss our intimacy so much at times. Maybe it is easier breaking up this time as we are actually behaving like adults and still communicating rather than the 'mud-slinging-returning-of-each-other's-stuff' routine. I'm starting to feel as though it would be better if there was more distance between us at times, it would be better for both of us to move on and detach from each other.

It's good to be learning to rely on myself again rather than others, something I am ok at much of the time, I just seem to have forgotten how to do it.

I found this picture and it just reminded me of the journey ahead, not daunting and resembling an upward struggle, but moving to the light. During last week's smokestop therapy session, I read something to 'hot therapist' that I am beginning to truly believe as my new mantra......

Challenges in life
Don't arrive hapzardly
No matter how coincidental
They may seem

They only arrive when
You are ready for them
Not when you are ready
To be squashed

But when you are ready
To grow, overcome
And be more than you were
Before they arrived.

It's good to be back!
xx

What the fuck.........

2007-09-13T20:49:00.000+01:00

It has been a traumatic week all in all, one that has left me reeling from the sheer drama and catastrophe of it all. Then again this blog is a diary of my life which follows those two words, pretty much to the letter.

Wednesday was my quit day for not smoking and my smokestop therapist and I had spent several weeks analysing my disgusting addiction to tobacco. Weds to Fri went without a hitch but Saturday was to prove slightly more problematic.
My honeys were with their Dad for the first time in about 6 months due to his complete inability to pull fatherhood out of the bag. It is difficult to understand because he seems to do quite well with his 4 soon-to-be stepchildren having a fantastic 2 week holiday and not really factoring in my children. Anyway was running late and texted to say so. Got home 30 mins late to find them sat in the next door neighbours in tears after having been dumped in the garden by him and just left.......all on their own at 7pm on Saturday evening with it just getting dark. Words fail me. And he said it was my own fault too in an email describing my inadequacies as a mother. Bloody cheek!

Somewhat later in the evening, reboy became exboyf again for the 5th time in 2 years, I am not even going to blog about the heartache caught up in that one as those of you who have read this pitiful tripe for the last 18 months will have read my breakup poetry and woeful words. I was really struggling to see the positive so chugged on a couple of roll ups and a bottle of red wine to pacify myself.
Sunday and Monday continued very much the same with the 'Fuck Up Fairy' not just visiting me but officially moving into my life. Still I did well to only have a couple of cigarettes each day despite wanting to give up the whole 'giving up' thing.

So I have remained sane and out of the local Mental Hospital, this time, and today met with my smokestop therapist for a re-boot session and general postmortem. Seems I have been too hard on myself and I should give myself a breather for a few days, chill and galvanise myself for the long road of withdrawal and abstinence ahead. So the next quit date is this Saturday and I WILL SUCCEED because I am learning not to run back to cigarettes each time the shit hits the fan.

So wish me luck for this weekend, I have the drive and motivation to succeed in the face of all adversity that is my life.

Did I mention my smokestop therapist Drew is HOT? And he's all 'SEX, DRUGS AND ROCK 'N' ROLL BABY'!

Just So You Know........

2007-09-07T13:34:00.001+01:00

........that I am back with bells on!

Day 3 Smoke Count: zero but lit a butt end in garden to smell it.....sad but true!

Where Have I Been?

2007-09-06T14:24:00.001+01:00

Forgive me everyone, didn't realise I had been away for so long. It has been some time since I wanted to blog and so much has happened. I have taken a few months off work to spend some time with 'The Honeys' and get my head together.

Many events have occurred within my family and circle of friends that left me wondering what the hell was going on with life, and 6 months on have not provided me with the answer to that question. My nanna died, Dad got sick and has been diagnosed with severe coeliacs disease, I lost the job I loved and failed to find another I had the same passion for. Also a friend of mine has been diagnosed with terminal lung and spine cancer. While we are still together, the relationship with reboy (formerly exboyf) hasn't become what I hoped it would and I need to do some thinking about that one. I have also had to say goodbye to some friends who were just pulling me down.

I have just needed to chill, breathe and focus on me and mine, have time over the summer with the girls and not stress about balancing every aspect of my life. Everything happens for a reason, and I have felt that reason is to make me stop........slow down and regain some perspective on it all.

So I am back to the blogsphere, more mellow and hopefully with more of my ducks in a row.

Day 2 Smoke Count: Zero in 2 days

Still Alive!

2007-07-26T21:46:00.001+01:00

I am still here, loitering on the parameter. The pricks of life have robbed me of my inspiration to write and share for now, just preferring to retreat to the healing place within my soul. Reading through my notebooks a while back, I came upon fantastic words from Tara I jotted down, and so the restoration of myself began. Dear Bloggers - Always keep notebooks, they get you through the tough times.

Live now
It's all we have for sure
Everything else is a gamble
A risk, a toss of the dice
Fortune is fickle.

Will be back soon, with bells on......PROMISE!
X

(Artwork by Lisa King)

Being Weird

2007-06-11T22:40:00.000+01:00

Ok so I am painting my house and the laundry is done, but to be honest am finding myself in a really weird headspace with no inspiration. I don't want to write and just want to read what everyone is up to without having to talk about me or mine. Is that strange? All is fine and cool here, the honeys are great but needing discipline, the relationship with reboy,formerly ex-boyf is amazing, and work is ok. But I just feel out of whack and need to chill. Thanks for all my mails, I really appreciate your words. Am just loving reading so keep up the funky lives people!
x

Vanishing For A While

2007-06-04T10:25:00.001+01:00

Dear everyone,
I'm taking a short blogging break to paint my house and get my backlog of laundry done. Just in case you wondered what the hell was going on. All is good, we are all fine but can't look at the peeling walls any longer and it is doing my head in. Will be back in a bit, to check up on you all. Stay funky!
x

It's All Good

2007-05-25T10:22:00.001+01:00

Sometimes when you ask for something, it feels like the most impossible thing in the world. You don't know if it is possible to have it, or whether the other person wants to give it. I got it all, with bells on, and it feels great. I feel understood, appreciated and heard, and loved because I am loved and it rocks.

The Jury Is Out.............

2007-05-21T08:40:00.001+01:00

What a week! Fresh from my Slow Burner versus Chemical Spark, everything has come to a head the last 7 days.

Ex-Boyf and I have been living in each other's pockets most of the time, having chats, spending time together and all at his insistence and planning.
Monday and Tuesday passed relatively trauma free and on Wednesday I started my new job at a restaurant on Poole Quay. Only 3 lunchtimes a week but it is great to be back and have some focus for the week.
Weds eve, Ex-Boyf treated me to an evening at his health club, swimming, sitting in the jacuzzi and steam room chatting like we hadn't seen each other for ever. Dinner was Tapas at one of my old bars, then back to his for the night. I had such a lovely evening.

Thursday I played tennis with Slow Burner which had already been arranged, and to be honest it was dreadful, would have rather stuck pins in my eyes. No spark, charisma or enthusiasm coming my way there. Was home by 9pm and tucked up in bed shortly after.

Friday my honeys went to my parents for the weekend which was just heaven as they have been with me for nearly a month now. Ex-boyf and I went for early drinks and then back to his for dinner and monging out on the sofa with a fat glass of wine.

Saturday we went west into the country, pottered around markets and stalls, munching on olives and chocolate, afternoon at the sea getting some fresh air and looking in windows, holding hands, lots of snogging and touching, just like the early days.

Saturday evening was gorgeous, all friends were binned off and he cooked me rib-eye steaks and we guzzled wine watching American Pie on the sofa.

Everything was perfect. It was great to chill out, not be Mummy and just have some time for me. I woke up Sunday morning in a really weird headspace, not knowing what to do. Once again we were back to the beginning again, making plans for his birthday, the next wine tasting night, supper next week and I am supposed to be out there dating other people. Hadn't we agreed that we would just be friends? What was evolving here? We went out for the day walking in the forest and I asked this man, the one who seems to be back in my life what he wants me to do now. I told him that I was supposed to be going away with Slow Burner this weekend, and I needed him to tell me what I should do. I said that I loved him, he was my choice, but that it was time to decide whether we were making a go of it or he was finally going to walk away and have no contact with me again.....ever, so I could go out into the world and find my happiness. We talked the whole thing out, for hours, and yes I cried. The possibility is that I may be about to lose one of my best friends, confidant, soul mate, because he is all of those things. He told me how he feels about me, and it is still there too for him. All I could do was leave him to think it all through while I wait........!

I have laid myself wide open to this one because I realise I could possibly be in love with him. I don't know whether we can overcome the crap of the past and redefine a future together or not. It cannot be my decision now, which is really hard, I need to know the present so I can shape my future. Can he survive or continue without me in his life at all, on any level, or is there still something there worth fighting for? In reality I know that he will struggle to step up to the plate, but I also know he cannot walk away from me and not be here in my life.

So the Jury is out, and the decision is being made. Whichever way it goes, it will be the start of new for me. Wish me all the luck in the world!

What's A Girl To Do?

2007-05-14T08:43:00.000+01:00

Slow Burner versus Chemical Spark

Yesterday I had date number 4, actually we all did, as we merged families. I have to tell you that dates 1-3 were great fun, and I seem to be really enjoying spending time with this man. He is the same age as me, has 2 younger boys who are lovely, if a bit hyper, and seems to have his head screwed on properly. There is no game playing, he phones when he says he will and is polite, respectful and honest. For date 4, we piled all four kids in the car and went for a fantastic pub roast, true British style, back to his for a cake making competition and then bowling. I had a great time. The only trouble is that there seems to be a lack of real chemistry, and that buzz is the soul of me. I need it to maintain an interest, want to keep finding out about someone, develop a relationship.
Slow Burner, or SB for short is perfect for me, all that I have been looking for, so very cute, fit, taller than me, divorced (but so are many people around here) and has his own business. He has invited us all camping wkend after next with his friends and their kids and is making all the right relationship moves. Except the physical ones. Mads says that maybe it is time to give the slow burners a chance, but I don't know.

Last week I spent some time with Ex-boyf, we are just friends now you know. Except that the chemical spark is still there, each time we meet up, a hug turns to a kiss and before long one thing leads to another. It has always been that way yet there is no way that any relationship will develop, we have flogged that one too many times. We are both doing our own thing, we are both seeing others although I am the only one to admit that, and despite the fact that I love him and could not imagine my life without him in it, life slowly moves on. Unless we are in the same room alone. Then it all gets a bit messy. We both know we should never see each other again but we miss each other when we try this 'no contact crap'.

This whole thing gets me to thinking about the Slow Burner versus Chemical Spark issue. I have spent so much of my life being attracted to the latter, watching that spark combust into nothing. For me being around the spark, is exhilarating and exhausting, and inevitably results in getting a broken heart. I have never tried the Slow Burner in the past unless that instant attraction is there, it is a no brainer. Part of my thinking is that it is all in the kiss, and until you have that you can never really be sure how you feel. Maybe it will turn out to be one of those up against the wall snogs that leave you breathless. Here's hoping on that one.

Maybe I have chosen the Spark because I knew there was no way that it would develop into anything and then I would not have to commit fully. Call it self preservation! Possibly I need that OOOMPH to keep enthusiastic! Probably I have just been looking in all the wrong places and in actual fact, for me, the Slow Burner is the way forward. It all just seems a little safe and predictable though. Maybe the raw passion is not there this time, or yet, or that Ex-boyf has been right all these years.........I COULD BE OVERANALYSING THINGS TOO MUCH!

Anyway, long and short of it is this.........Slow Burner gets another fortnight (lenient I know) to forcefully remove my clothing or I will have to rethink the whole thing.

Priceless Entertainment For Small Minded People - Like Me!

2007-05-07T13:21:00.000+01:00

(Warning - contains the 'C' word)

I love Zach Braff.
What's your fave swear word?

Poetry Thursday - The Journey

2007-05-03T08:49:00.000+01:00

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Words by Mary Oliver
Artwork by Lisa King

Don't You Just Want To Punch Someone......

2007-04-30T16:35:00.000+01:00

My honeys came back last night from yet another disasterous weekend with their 'Father', although I use that term loosely. Horribly sunburnt after a full day on the beach in mid 20 degrees without sunscreen....in tears, because he had sat them down for a chat and told Boo, the youngest, that he thinks she needs psychological counselling for her problems. They didn't have a shower or clean their teeth all weekend because he threw their toothbrushes I bought them away. Like a dutiful Mother, I took the earbashing from him on the front step, picked up my children's self esteem and confidence from the floor and got on with tea, bath and bed. As I was massaging aftersun into their burnt skin I really began to question the longevity of this contact lark. Why send them every other weekend when they come back shells of the 2 gorgeous girls that I packed off the day before.

Cappuccino in hand this morning I checked my emails. And there is was, the 'I'm gonna have a moan about the kids cos it's Monday' email. I read it through, re-read it again as I could not really believe what was written infront of me.
Every other weekend is now Saturday lunch to Sunday afternoon, one weekend a month, and for the full duration of the summer holidays....... 1 weekend only.

Now that part sucks, but the rest just blew my mind......he will only take Em, not Boo as well, as she is too disruptive. he's choosing which child he prefers, the one that fits in with his idea of parenting. The other child who pushes boundaries, demands attention and reassurance just gets cast aside and rejected.

I thought about it for a few hours, I tried to calm the ranting in my mind, rationalise my thinking, not over-react but then thought "what the **** is this all about?"
My 2 page email back was clear and concise, we aquarians are good at that, I did not hold back in any way. The end result is that I have decided to stop all contact for now, as how can those terms and conditions be in the interest of my honeys, my little pieces of wonderfulness?

You will be pleased to know I didn't use the MoFo word until the last sentance.

The Moroccan Shoes Bit Me In The Ass!

2007-04-27T15:33:00.000+01:00

Today started out so well, got up after a great sleep and did yoga, shower and hairwash, toenails painted, legs waxed,lovely breakfast in the garden. I've been monging all week, in skanky clothes, and was relishing getting glammed up for the day i.e. no flip flops. Maddie G came round for cappuccinos and gossip about who's doing what with whom and where!
Then, just before we left, I thought I would take out the rubbish; we were heading out to the Basement for our Friday morning girls get together. I was feeling really happy, clean and primped, plus I could finally get into those jeans I hadn't worn for a few years. A week of sushi does pay off after all! Finally I chose one of my pairs of Moroccan Slippers.

That is where it all went wrong, because walking out of the front door I tripped and fell

LIKE A LITTLE GIRL.

Mads had to pick me up off the ground. I was brave and didn't cry but the jeans bought it, huge great hole in the knee

And as little girls do, took a huge chunk of flesh and nerve endings leaving a dent in my leg.

Now I'm used to having the odd knee scrape, particularly after a delicious snog and rummage on the lounge carpet after dark, but seriously?

And I have a hot date next week to by which time there will be a huge, evil black scab ruling out the remotest possibility of even looking vaguely sexy in a skirt! Fanbloodytastic.

So going back to Tuesday's post - looks like I chose badly this morning!
Why is even getting out of the house such a crisis??????????

Wound Update:
Had a bath, vigorous wash and forgot about the sore as was just determined to get it over with. Took off the next layer of skin with the loofah. When the honeys scraped me off the bathroom ceiling and the bleeding stopped, things settled down. Fell asleep on the sofa watching Unfaithful with Richard Gere, woke up with my pyjamas stuck to it, like glue. It doesn't look too bad now but it hurts like hell. I'll be glad when today is over!

Looks like I'm not on top for a while!

Internet Dating...........Seriously?

2007-04-25T17:28:00.000+01:00

Now I'm a reasonably smart, intelligent girl, educated and literate. Imagine my shock today when I checked my profile on match.com (yes I know, desperate times and all that, life sucks sometimes and this is the only way forward) and scrolled through the messages.
Now the beauty of this whole internet dating thing is that you can do it from the comfort of your own home, dressed in baggy pyjamas and fluffy socks, cup of tea, no sign of the 'hold me in knickers' and no........you don't have to clean your teeth first. You can assess and decide without even having to put your 'hold it all in' bra on. FYI I'm a reader not a looker so I get absorbed by reading profiles........sad? Don't think so.

Until, that is, I get another message from Wally. Now Wally is my cyber-dating nightmare, a 57 year old truck driver who must weigh about 20 stone and mails me every day. I never reply, probably should have done in the beginning, just to say "no thanks" but always looking for the good in others doesn't benefit me and have just chose to put my head in the sand on this one. As each day progresses, messages from Wally get more explicit, todays was:

"You are so hot, I could bend you over your hostess trolley and you would never be the same again".

Seriously? Now I'm getting on in years, but still can glam up to a reasonable standard, look ok in black lace undies and so so in jeans. I have pointy shoes and know how to wear them. I can remember the moonwalk and the last time I smoked dope. But seriously Wally? What the ***k is wrong with you?
Needless to say - a) I don't have a bloody hostess trolley and b) Wally got reported for that statement to the obscene department at match.com who, after having checked out Wally's profile, will be peeing in their pants. Wally got severly blocked!
So this week have been chatting with a rather lovely Dad of 2 kids, one of those sincere salt of the earth men who can punctuate their sentances and there isn't any 'ur' or 'wimmin' or 'k' instead of okay. Will keep you posted.
However, I am beginning to wonder if text messaging is the beginning of the end for the English language. This is message from Lucy/babysitter/gorgeous, educated 18 year old, tonight:

"Hay Rach, I tht id txt sayin that i cnt do 2nit coz am going to Greenwich 2 lk at the Uni. An i dont thk il b bk b4 9."

Seriously really?
It takes me 10 minutes or so to work out what is being said, I have to write it down on paper, like a remote code requiring years of training to translate. When I reply, she doesn't understand and I have to explain my FULL AND CORRECT USE OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. I'm not always correct with my grammar, and my Haikus are very random, but please just text it as it is!!!
So with the world texting their asses off, it would appear to have all gone a bit TITS UP. Not only have we got repetitive strain injury of the 'texting thumb' but now we really believe that 'tb' really means 'text me back'. So are mobile phones breeding a bunch of complete morons.

Another point in question is those who say they are using the language economically:
Me: "Haven't got a sitter for tonight, so it's dinner at mine. Who's cooking? Fancy prawns...what do you think? Oh and can you pick me up some garlic on the way round as run out".
Him: "Ok".

Is it a girl thing, that we feel the need to get it all out there, double check everything, make sure all the t's are crossed? Very possibly it is just me?

? the diff btwn M & F dt u thk?

Moroccan Versus Regular?

2007-04-24T10:59:00.000+01:00

I love the summer, because of flip flops. They signify all that living by the sea is all about. From late March to late September I live in them, at times struggling with near sub zero temperatures and blue toes, but sod it, as soon as the woodburner stops burning each night, it is the sign that spring is here so THERE MUST BE FLIP FLOPS. It should be the eleventh commandment!

This year it's the Moroccan beaded ones for me, have only 7 pairs of them as opposed to the millions of pairs of regular plastic, leather, fabric or cord flip flops.
Why I love these? It doesn't matter if you have crap toenails, you know the horribly chipped and white trash toenails, screaming out for a pedicure. And no more looking down and feeling ashamed at the absence of 'neat feet'. That is until you have to get down and dirty, but then there is usually warning of that one!

Regaining Control

2007-04-22T17:22:00.000+01:00

My Mother was an alcoholic and her Father before that. Alcohol has been a traditional part of our family life. My parents used to make their own wine as money was tight, and endless hours picking dandelions each year produced a whole cupboard of bottles of wine in the garage, kept warm with a light bulb. The airing cupboard was home to demi-johns bubbling and fermenting away, all our laundry smelt of rotting fruit. Every few weeks I would come home from school and find my parents out cold on the conservatory floor, having spent the afternoon decanting wine into bottles. Each evening my Father would disappear into the garage and appear clutching a bottle of wine, which would inevitably be polished off even before the meal was ready. I was always left to wash up while my Mother snoozed off the wine.

I never was a particularly big drinker, had phases in my twenties when I pushed the excess button, but then who doesn't. Sometime in my early thirties, in the midst of deep despair I turned to wine. It helped ease and numb the pain of a bitter and traumatic divorce, helped me forget what was going on, so I could not deal with the pain of watching my newly ex-husband try through the visiting High Court judge, to have our marriage annulled and our children taken into care, my whole life and family hopes ripped apart. Having a few glasses of wine each night helped to blot out the memories, ensured I would fall asleep quickly and sleep for at least 5 hours before the same nightmare started again the following day. Bringing up 2 young children, 13 months apart in age, alone with no financial support didn't help either, cocktail hour started at 6pm and would continue until last man standing, each day. It is how I got through.

It was only recently that I realised this pattern, started 5 years ago, was still being reinforced on a daily basis, for no known reason. I have always been known as a party girl, the last to go home. How would that be now? But do you know, when I look around the bars and restaurants we all love, 'my' crowd are all doing the same, toning it down, getting into shape. There are still the few that booze it to death and put £40 of cocaine up their noses each night, but when I see them they look like shit. My last boyfriend enjoyed a few drinks each evening, and over the last 2 years, during our good phases, we would easily polish off 2 or 3 bottles of wine each night. Every morning began with a raving headache for me, feeling crap whilst trying to conjure up delicious packed lunches for school, get ready for work etc. All our breakups were when we had drunk shitloads of alcohol.

10 days ago I felt that time had come to address the issues that were making me unhappy, things that were pulling me down. I had a really crap week, utterly dreadful, felt that nothing could go worse at all. Newly single, at home with 2 pre-pubescent daughters, no job, low self esteem and lacking in confidence, and that horrible sinking feeling that your looks are going. A year ago, I weighed a stone lighter, felt better but was working 70 hours a week and not really eating. None of my lucky jeans from then fit, I am not huge, I just don't like feeling this way.

So have been buying small bottles of wine, you know the one glass bottles, and thoroughly enjoying that. I have been having a glass of wine and going to bed at 11pm EVERY night, and am shell shocked. So this get healthy, cut down on smoking, eat loads of sushi and drink green tea and water, oh and only ONE CAPPUCCINO PER DAY is beginning to pay off. Have been exercising and yoga-ing my ass off, am utterly knackered and crawling into bed early, sleeping 8 hours of good, pure sleep and waking up with energy.

The only exception being Tuesday when ex-boyf and I had the 'lets not do this anymore' chat, sat in the garden with chiminea blasting out heat, then the glass of wine became a little more and woke up the following morning with a man in my bed and a headache. Back to old times then! Have no self control!!!

Is this what happens when you turn any particular corner on any given road, decide your life has to change, that you can have exactly what you want, and set the wheels in motion for a new beginning.
Apparently my body has decided, that it likes this new way of living, that the occassional cigarette will leave me coughing up a piece of lung for 10 minutes and that after a glass of wine, it's sleep time. Or is it responding to the decisions I have recently made about changing the way I treat it, loving the healthy stuff and letting me know when there is a strong chance that I will deviate from the new path, with quick reminders....... Now all dairy gives me cramps, can't do meat anymore (new one for me as a confirmed meatarian at every opportunity) as feel sick afterwards, was always borderline wheat intollerant and really museli, fruit or sushi is the only thing that makes this bod happy.

Nope, don't think middle age is catching me up, I'm just finding a new way to live. I've no reason to keep pushing myself like this, I have so much that is great, not everything I want but more than enough to be going on with.

I still haven't got a job, have now walked away from guaranteed shag 3 times a week, money is tight but I have to say that I am enjoying not kicking the ass out of life so much. Last week was serious chill time, lots of thinking, deciding what was going wrong in my life, and planning now to fix it. This week has been about me........nothing else, just looking after and caring for number 1. Long overdue, but am loving it.

There will be times when Mads and I get together and have a notorious one, but I'll deal with that one when it happens. Until then, I am going to copy M and have a Grateful Sunday

Today I am grateful:

1. For all I have realised about myself and what makes me tick
2. That the 3 of us are well and healthy
3. That we have enough of everything
4. For a great weekend with Maddie G and her kids
5. Sitting in the garden chilling with a barby last night
6. That I get a chance to make things better for us
7. People that come into my life and teach me what it is I need to do to be a better person
8. A long walk on the beach today in the sun with Mads
9. That summer is coming and it will be a great one
10. That the previous part of my life is coming to an end, and there is a new chapter waiting for me to love and enjoy

Just Chilling......

2007-04-18T13:20:00.000+01:00

Have spent considerable time in the garden the last few days, clearing it, replanting for the summer and having loads of time to breathe the worries away. I feel rested even though I am physically exhausted from digging and trips to the tip.

Coriander, mint and rosemary are the start of my herb garden

And I am doing good, finally getting my head and heart together again.

So I am coming back from the BLIP, which only lasted a while. I am stronger and hopefully ready for the next chapter.

Happy Spring!

Poetry Thursday - The One With All The Rules

2007-04-12T19:38:00.000+01:00

This week's prompt is to take a line from another author and use it to create poetry of your choice. I chose 'if I hold by breath' by JillyPoet

If I hold my breath
Then, just for a few seconds
The world stops

There is no noise
Or sound
Just peace

The banging in my chest
Slows and calms
To a gentle beat

The screaming in my ears
Muffles
Dull and dense

If I hold my breath
I can pause
And make this nightmare stop

At that moment I am alone
And all can I feel
Is empty

I exhale and the sheer panic returns
Clattering noises overwhelme
My ears and heart pounding

If I hold my breath
I feel
That I am in control

I have craved solitude and tranquility all week........how ironic this coincides with easter school holidays. My house has been full of children and friends all week, which has been great and kept my mind off the other stuff.
It hasn't been a good week at all, have really struggled to get to this point on Thursday night where there is a calmness in my soul. Had to change my phone number due to unsolicited charges from some random ring tone company, my Mother has been her usual abrupt self heaping guilt on me about everything. Things with ex-boyf haven't been good at all and, as usual, I shut down, withdraw into my dark place and not communicate my needs. He interprets this as rejection and withdraws further..........stalemate. I am still stressing about not having a job, I had to leave the new one after 10 days, last Wed, following a showdown with the hotel owner because of his abusive language to me. We are down to the last couple of hundred pounds, and no sign of a job on the horizon.

To be honest, I hit a serious deep blue funk on Tuesday after having the Easter weekend alone with my kids and ex-boyf sailed and had fun....without me. I have fought to keep going for the last 3 days, remain positive when I felt like curling up under my duvet and shutting the world out. I am Supermum, after all, perfect daughter and girlfriend, coping with all crisis' with a big grin and lipgloss.

Except that I felt I was failing in all areas, I couldn't even provide financially for my kids, and I could see things about to deteriorate further. It is hard admitting to yourself that there are times when, as a parent, we just can't cope. It is even harder blogging it.....please don't judge me, am quite a nice person really....lol. That aside, I have wanted to sit and howl since Tuesday.

I found this picture on the web, and it symbolised everything I was craving........solitude and peace. I couldn't drag my eyes away from it. Everywhere I looked within the picture I could see silence.

Last night I went to salsa class which was blooody crap as was definately bummed out and not in the right headspace to be sweated over. Got home had a glass of wine and tucked myself up in bed to write. And I wrote until my wrist hurt, I put it all down on paper, it all came tumbling out tears included.

Today I realise that I am not a failure, THIS IS JUST A BLIP. Shit happens, so just be kind to yourself. I have sent a long email of complaints to ex-boyf which he acknowledges are valid, and in this area alone I feel understood and heard.

I spent the afternoon gardening in the sun, I worked hard despite the heat, cleared my head of negative thoughts and know that through the exhaustion of little sleep this week, I am going to sleep the sleep of the dead tonight. So this 'shitty bollocky blip' is passing, I am worn out from the emotion and stress of worrying so much that I need a good rest.

My honeys are heading to their dad's tomorrow for the weekend, so I can chill. I love them so much but I cannot wait. I think I should have a red wine and 12 hour sleep Friday night, and then party all Saturday night.

What ya reckon groovers?

Sunday Scribblings - In The News

2007-04-08T17:51:00.000+01:00

Yet to reach the news today was something we saw at the beach this afternoon. We were just sat chilling in the sun and there was a tremendous bang and the car park was filled with rancid smoke from a campervan. The whole thing went up like a firework, within seconds flames, smoke and fumes poured from everywhere. The Fire Brigade duly arrived and after smashing all the van windows, set about putting out the fire.

After a few minutes the owner ran up and watched with hopelessness and utter horror as flames engulfed his camper van, and the fire burned through the floor causing the van contents to fall onto the car park.

It took at least an hour to put the fire out and I am sure it will make the early evening news. The girls and I felt really sad for him. I took a pic of him crying and being comforted by burly firemen, but I couldn't bear to post it, it seems so intrusive.

How bizare that something of interest for us and the other few hundred people who poured off the beach to watch the burning van, was so disasterous for him. At least his family weren't inside, no one was killed or injured, and the loss was only materialistic.

The early evening news will run the story, and everyone will tut about how and why it happened, make a mental note to check their smoke detectors before they go to bed, and probably lecture their children on the hazards of fire. But to watch the poor man crying, surrounded by nosy rubberneckers (me included), seemed such an invasion that I wish I had looked away.

I find a lot of the news hard to read or watch for this reason........MOST OF IT REALLY UPSETS ME!

But Seriously.....?

2007-04-07T18:57:00.000+01:00

I think I'm glad I'm single!

Just To Redress The Balance

2007-04-05T11:05:00.000+01:00

For all you guys out there who may be a little confused with my attitudes on 'Women ruling the world', this is for you! This is what actually would happen, if you give us an inch.............

........we'll probably take a mile! Go on, you have to laugh......!

I'm Not Remotely Sexist But................

2007-04-02T19:16:00.000+01:00

Now I'm not one to whitter on about men vs women and who is smarter, better or cleverer. There is no definative answer, even if Men are from Mars etc. There is so much I don't understand about the workings of a man's mind, I can't even begin to comment on what goes on between the ears. Not that I am cynical, just bewildered. With that in mind, I can't really believe that these signs were really written by women.....

Good point and well argued but........

You think so huh.......

Now surely a woman would have chosen a different font........

Enough said I think........

However, if I ruled the world......

For a start I would actually wake each day looking like this, and would remain 'Superintactwoman' for the entire day with no effort at all. As part of this new image and to redress the balance a little, I would have to consider making a few ammendments to constitutional law?

Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity - as my capacity for shopping is immense, it would help to retain my hourglass figure

All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator - enough said I think

Committment rings would be mandatory for all committed, engaged and married men, separated and currently divorcing. Singles bars would have metal detectors at the door to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pocket - call it self preservation

Men would get reputations for sleeping around

Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments

Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking - for once

During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flushes and women would date 19-year-old hotties.

What ya reckon? Will that redress the balance?

Who's gonna vote me Queen of the World?

Smart/Stupid Balance

2007-03-27T23:40:00.000+01:00

Someone once said that
"for every smart act that occurs, equal in time and across the world, there is one very stupid screw up".

It is called the smart/stupid balance, and for each moment of stupidity, there has to be an equal and opposite and visa versa.

Now am not getting all sexist on your asses or anything vaguely offensive like that BUT, if you watched this vid, would you be inclined to think that the alter-act would be occuring across the world, and would it be a bunch of women doing smart stuff? Because how can 3 guys and 3 wooden spoons be so clever. Just a non-sexist thought for you!

Sunday Scribblings - In The Kitchen

2007-03-24T21:21:00.000Z

This week's prompt was 'In The Kitchen' and I would love to say that it is a hive of domesticity. Sadly, it a meeting point for all and sundry, the kitchen table awash with glam mags and cappuccino cups for the odd Crisis Intervention Summits (substitute cappuccino cups for empty wine glasses if Summit occurs after the cocktail hour of 6pm), my laptop to google ways to cook better, and my sorry attempts at cooking.

Tonght however, it is home to the new phenomenon that is the Saturday night Carpet Disco, some delicious wine and Chaka Khan on iPod. So very Bridget Jones don't you think!

Cos you see I have Magic Gloves, a present from Boo for Mother's Day last week.

I had lost Boo to stay at a friend's house and then gained Torin from Mads, so we were back to three and the perfect number. We had a 'dance-off', you have to love Chaka, and Luther in the 80's and also Eve and Gwen Stefani. I won of course, well I am the head of the household after all.

The gloves have got some great moves......don't you think?

Sorry hardly appropriate for SS, but it's fun after all.

This week's summary:

Hangovers = 1 on Thursday after dinner with ex-boyf and prob tomorrow morning too! Screw it!

Crisis Intervention Summits with Mads= daily and they are good

Revelations = nothing that I can put down here
Realisations = Sitting at home wingeing accomplishes nothing and your ass gets fat
Worth worrying about = size of said ass, why can't you have great boobs and dinky ass?
Achievements = Getting a job, painting the bathroom, being a good mum
Failures = still smoking, yoga'd only once

Asked out = once by ex-boyf, doesn't count as he is a 'sure thing' and did stay over. Also had a 'technical shag' (double take) from the manager of local DIY store today

Serious lusty snog = 3 times this week!!!!

New purchase = Gorgeous shiraz/cabernet to quoff tonight,

Cappucinnos = too many to mention, am a bit shaky actually, but they go hand in hand with Crisis Intervention Summits

Cigarettes = as above

Sleep = sleeping like an angel

For more SCRIBBLINGS go here

After The Scream.......

2007-03-23T17:01:00.000Z

........comes utter calm.

This is my birthday present from Mads, and this week was looking at it thinking how tranquil the expression was. If this was a woman, her face would tell of the best sex of her life.

I have been craving tranquility and peace for the last month and now, the world has stopped spinning furiously and we are all just drifting along. On Wednesday I met a girlfriend for a moan, she is Events Manager for a bar in town. We used to run a busy bar together a few years ago. Within 20 minutes I was at work, and have worked there for the rest of the week. Am now on the payroll, working flexible hours, doing PR and advertising for her bar. I have started a bar blog for her, and the marketing campaign begins Monday.

I have spent time listening to my friends, the diving Maddie G, and ex-boyf (although that would seem to be a technical title only), learning to step back from my apparent self-absorption in my own shit, chill and breathe.

So now I just feel calm, dipping my toes into the grey area that I hated for so long. The previous job crap is still there, in a box on the shelf that I can go to and browse through when I want, but it is away, and in the past.

Next time it all gets fucked up, I will have to remember that it really isn't worth me beating myself up about everything, internalizing the anger, and wigging out. A handy 2 fingered gesture should do the job nicely.

My Scream

2007-03-19T14:06:00.000Z

The last month has been a toughie, having been suspended from work a month ago amid allegations of misconduct, I was, at 7.30pm on Saturday night, fired by letter shoved through my front door. My only crime was being too good at my job, and with the boss' new girlfriend firmly in my place now it is hard to swallow. I want to scream at the injustice of it all, the made up allegations against me from unrevealed sources, the disciplinary hearing that was a joke, and the fact that I now have no job or income. My employment was 11 months, and craftily timed to ensure I have no rights at industrial tribunal as I was employed for less than a year. I will not get another job here, as my reputation is in tatters. For the last month, I have felt as though I was drowning with huge waves crashing over me and forcing me down into the deep cold water. At times I just wanted to scream, "just please someone give me a break, enough is enough".

Yesterday, the stress hit me like a baseball bat around the head, I was reduced to lying on the sofa struggling to keep even a glass of water down. It didn't seem so hopeful then. It has been hard to stop focussing on the whys and wherefores, disregard how disgusted and betrayed I feel, try and focus on the future.

I know that it will open up a new opportunity for me, I have been thinking of doing something else for some time, but it is hard imagining what is around the corner for me. It is quite unerving to open a situations vacant section of the paper and think "Where do I go from here?"

Todays Crisis Intervention Summit with Mads, cappuccinos and cigarettes has put things much clearer in my head. I am left thinking and believing:

the only barriers to us achieving our potential are the ones inside our head, you know the barriers that we put there ourselves!

For more of this great artwork, go here

How Would You Back-peddle Out Of This?

2007-03-16T08:47:00.000Z

A little something for the weekend, just to put a smile on your face and chase away the rainy Friday blues! Have cool wkend!

Black and White

2007-03-14T10:24:00.000Z

It's official, I am 41 years old, a mother of 2 daughters, fabulousness oozing from each pore (only kidding) but I am stuck. Firmly routed in black and white. I have struggled for so long to see beyond these 2 contrasting colours, to broaden my views and opinions, see the greater good in grey, but it just doesn't work for me. I just can't function in the grey zone, nomansland, in between.
So many situations in my past have called me to hover, suspended above grey, just hanging on to my safety zones of black and white, trying to function. And each time, it has been too much for me to manage, I can't do it.
Yet taking chances is something I adore, doing the unexpected, not being too predictable but in actual fact I am starting to realise that those are labels I am craving, not really who I am. I would love to think of myself as going through life in a completely random and unpredicable way, knickers on fire, dragging everyone along for the ride. I love Rwb's quote on his profile, now surely that is the way to go?
Except that I am just plain old black and white. Definative and certain of how I feel and how I view people, situations and life. When I am upset I need to talk about it, have to clear the air, say my piece. Now is that a woman thing, a trait of aquarians, or just being me.
The scary thing is that my mother is so much like me except that she is not aquarian.

That doesn't seem to stop her riding roughshod over everyone in her path with very little concern to the consequences. Oh holy cow - am I becoming her? Am I my Mother? That is scary because she has been left with a very empty life, has alienated all her friends because they just couldn't cope with her black and white opinions and views, and that could be me too!
How do you balance your views and opinions on black and white, with people who love living in the grey zone?
Hurry with answers - or that woman in the picture above could have morphed into me!

Sunday Scribblings - My Dream Journey

2007-03-10T17:49:00.000Z

My Dream Journey

This is my second attempt at Sunday Scribblings this week. The first one was poetry, in true Rach tree hugger style, but this post, well this will introduce you to one of the loves of my life. My landrover. It is more than just a passion, I just plain old lurve it. And this afternoon has been one of the best ones for ages, researching all things landrover for my dream journey.

For those not in Britain, Ewan McGregor, very famous actor, and his best friend Charley Boorman left London on 14th April 2004 for a 3 month, 20,000 mile trip around the world on BMW motorbikes, with obvious support landrovers and camera crews. Their series called The Long Way Round finished here early last year and was fantastic. It showed theirjourneys through Europe, Russia, Alaska, Canada and USA. Charley then went on to race in the Paris-Dakar rally and his series Race to Dakar was just as good but with a few more mortalities though.

I would love to do something like that especially since I am on the hunt, to trade my old landrover for one of these bad boys

that does this
OOOOOOOh, isn't that freaking fabulous?

So in the name of research, I found the most fantastic site here for all landrover anoraks, like me, and I have been seriously lusting all afternoon. I JUST HAVE TO HAVE ONE!!!!!!!!!
By chance I stumbled on a site called Around The World 1999, and the journey, in Landrovers pretty much the same route as Ewan and Charley. So for My Dream Journey, click below. The site is amazing to see.

It would be the journey of a lifetime, I can't begin to imagine how much we would see and experience. The honeys would learn so much too. They would probably end up killing each other, but then a remote field in outer Mongolia is a great place for me to scream and shout. Ex-boyf shares a lusting after old trucks too, prob why he dated me for so long, so he would have to come too, after all he is good in a crisis. I don't think I will be able to sleep tonight, and tonight will be googling a landrover dormobile for sale........fantastic Saturday night!

It will probably remain a dream, but you are nothing if you don't have a dream!

Self Portrait Challenge - March

2007-03-07T19:00:00.000Z

I feel disjointed
Not quite complete
Like a door that is neither open or closed
Just ajar.

Once
Tranquility was mine
Before the knocks of life
Came to my door.

Leaving a tangeable scar
A souvenir
Robbing me of my innocence
And naivety

Now I crave the clarity
That stares through clear blue eyes
Uncorrupted
And pure, as a virgin.

Let my eyes speak
Purity and joy
May my face radiate
Understanding and belief

Disjointed?
Give me a jolt so real
That it takes my breath away
Leaves me standing silently

Just being!

For more Self Portrait Challenges go here

My Blogging Sanctuary

2007-03-06T15:06:00.000Z

This week I have had plenty of time to blog, not much inspiration to write because of work stuff going on. You can tell I have been at it with my template - I've been html-ing my ass off. Panicked this morning when the 'fuck up fairy' visited me yet again and left my blog looking like an advert for a Bollywood movie. What's been going on? Well I am off work for a while, and can't say any more at the mo, but will be able to spill all next week but in the meantime, here is my blogspace aka the kitchen.

Space to think and write, oh and make the odd cappuccino of course, and possibly have a random cigarette in the garden. Yes I know I am supposed to have given up but have had a major relapse - NOTE TO SELF: you must try harder! After this stressful week is over, then I'll have another attempt...............good plan!

I love the tranquility of being here.

Even with the pots and pans.

Maybe it is the Nag Champa incense burning in the background

Where's your little bloggy hideaway?

Sunday Scribblings - Superstition

2007-03-04T01:46:00.000Z

I have always believed that to raise a glass and toast a family birthday brings good fortune and prosperity for the coming year. So tonight is Boo's tenth birthday and we did that, 6 little honeys on a sleepover and all is good. So is my superstition right? Well also we had a total eclipse of the moon at bedtime, spectacular and spooky at the same time, but breathtaking to see. So my superstitous toast goes to my angels, with love from Mummy. x

Daughter.

You are life's greatest gift to me.
Memories come flooding back to me
As I look back, over the years
I want to hold on to you
And at the same time watch, you fly high and free.

Daughter you have such spirit
And a character all your own
You are a doer
And an achiever
Of what you believe in.

I am so proud of the dreams you have
And the conviction you have
To make those dreams come true
Your world is bright, new
And bursting with possibilities.

It's so easy to remember your very first steps
And how I held out my hand for you to hold
As each year passes you take more steps
And some of those will eventually
Lead you away from me.

But always remember
That my hand
And my heart
Are forever
Here for you.

You will always be my daughter
But I have discovered in you
A rare and precious friend
You have been life's greatest gift to me
And I love you so much.

Vickie M Worsham

A Teacher's Worst Nightmare?

2007-03-01T13:28:00.000Z

A Teacher's nightmare.

You MUST read this brief story before viewing the attached photo.

A class of primary children started a class project to make a plant pot to take home. The teacher wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so it was decided to use cactus plants. The children were given greenware pottery in the style of a clown plant pot. They painted them with glaze and had them professionally fired at a class outing so they could see the process.
It was great fun. They planted the cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely. Unfortunately, however, they were not allowed to take them home. The cactus plants were removed, replaced with a small ivy plant, and the children were then allowed to take them home.

The teacher said cactus “seemed like a good idea at the time”...

Getting A Reality Check

2007-02-28T00:31:00.000Z

Tonight I had a moment, I went to work to get my wages cheque and was overwhelmed by the love and friendship I felt. I also felt really sad at the sorrow there. I will shortly be leaving my job, one I loved, because it has stopped being a love of mine and has turned into a bitter battle of words and accusations with the owner. I am fighting to clear my name from slanderous accusations and find myself at home, banned from work because, in reality, my job as manager has been earmarked for someone else who is younger and more flexible. As I drove home, I thought that it would be better to leave quietly, without a fuss and find another job. Typical Rachel, even though I am a strong personality, I find it so easy to back away when I really have to confront someone in authority.

I started carrying a notebook a year or so ago, writing down things I saw and read, for no particular reason, just because I was 'bohemian and interesting'.

They are jewel encrusted, only for the important stuff! When I am up against it something takes me to them and I read, the words of joy and pain that I have documented from the past.

I wonder why I hope for some tarot-like revelation to smack me between the eyes. When I wrote these words did I really think of the impact they would have tonight. I found the words of Elisabeth Hyde such a confirmation that I must stand up for myself and fight, for my name and reputation.

The true test of our convictions
Come when emotions rise up and threaten
To scribble over everything
We stand for.

Elisabeth Hyde

It's about time to kick some ass I think!

Oh and if you are in a crisis, let me know because the 'notebooks' will have something special for you.

We're Back

2007-02-22T18:37:00.000Z

All I can say is FANTASTIC! Everything was perfect, gorgeous hotel with a pool and spa, 8 beautiful sunny days at 9 degrees, snowboarding on crisp white snow in t-shirts.

The view from our hotel room

Em, doing her thing
and just being very cute

the nightmare sisters chilling and eyeing up the swiss boys

And Boo, just being super cool

The honeys took to snowboarding and loved it from day 1. There were the few odd tears and tantrums due most likely to their complete exhaustion at the end of each day. And after 6 hours boarding, the swimming pool and sauna beckoned before dinner. I didn't escape completely free and have come home with horrid black and yellow bruises the size of a dinner plate on my hip and a twisted knee making walking a bit tricky, oh and the obligatory panda eyes from my sunnies (sunglasses).

In fairness have eaten my own body weight in cheese and desserts and drunk far too much gorgeous swiss Gamay (that's red wine RWB) for my own good, feel a tad lardy and in hefty need of a detox.

We were picked up at the airport by ex-boyf and when I got home, my fave white lillies in my bedroom. Have been spoiled beyond recognition the last 10 days. I could seriously get used to the life of an international woman of mystery and snowboarding!

That aside, we were in bed by 11pm each night due to age related physical overexertion, A.K.A too old to chuck ourselves down the mountain on a glorified dinner tray any more.

Just wanted you all to know that we are safe and home. Will blog about the other stuff later on but don't want to burst the 'happy bubble' I am living in at the moment.

So gonna have a swim in the bath, down a glass or two of rioja (again red wine RWB, lol) and enjoy the merits of cable TV and hopefully the bruises won't join up and turn me a horrid yellowish/off black hue.

Happy Valentines Day Barton! x

Mid Week Mong Out - Layer Cake

2007-02-21T22:48:00.000Z

Starring:

Daniel Craig

Colm Meaney

Sienna Miller

Michael Gambon

Music by:

Duran Duran

The Cult

Candi Statton

Vast

Oh My God, I just love this film. It has the best of British and the so very sexy

Daniel Craig before he was James Bond in Casino Royale. He just smoulders all the way through and is a pleasure to drool over. It would be fair to say that he could park his slippers under my bed any day or night for that matter. I adore the music too as it is my teenage years revisited. have put

some gorgeous links together for all those phillistines out there who haven't seen this. I know the plot is a little random but it kept me awake which is the mark of a good film. Love interest from Sienna Miller and thankfully not too much of that as we don't want too many girlie perfect bodies.

Watch and enjoy, with the volume turned up. For all you ladies with lust on your minds, hot man to watch, great music.......all you need is the chocolate, wine and, yes don't forget, demi God D. Craig!. Have I worshipped him enough yet?

Interview with Daniel Craig

So Change Huh?

2007-02-13T21:39:00.000Z

Last year after ex-boyf and I broke up I went to see a well known psychic. He said that the early spring would be a time of great change for me. Nearly everything important would become different than I had known it before.

Last week's Poetry Thursday brief was 'Change' and I wrote a poem on how I need to see past what is evident and choose to believe more in the good that exists in this world. On Friday I was handed notice to attend disciplinary proceedings against me for cashing up the tills and taking money out of them. Der, that is called removing the takings to go to the bank! I can't go into it anymore here but might just set up a dooce type blog to spill the beans. Anyway, after the shock had evaporated I was left thinking that this might not be too bad after all. Industrial tribunal will see that I receive compensation for incorrect disciplinary proceedure and I can move on. Ex-boyf has been trying to persuade me to buy a gorgeous little restaurant we both love as it is really cheap. I wasn't sure of anything until a phone call from Maddie G this morning reminded me of what the psychic said

"Feb/March will prove a difficult time of change for you, and out of it you will know your true calling."

Tomorrow we are all off to Switzerland snowboarding for 8 days. Last week heralded a major dump of snow and the hotel is to die for. It is 10pm and we are packed, I am enjoying a glass of gorgeous red wine while I write this, thinking "Just give it to me, I can't wait for this change to begin".

It probably has already, deep inside my inner core. I have been predicting change for some time, and now it would appear that all the ducks are in a row! Miss me loads and in return I will try not to break any limbs.

Do me a favour - Look at the pic, and ask yourself,

"Which road am I on, the one towards choice and change or the road leading away from it?"

Love and snogs

Rach

Poetry Thursday - Change

2007-02-08T22:20:00.000Z

This week's prompt - Change

Change

When all I can see is terror, evil and bad

I need to rejoice in the good in others

Where I am guarded and mistrusting

I want to understand why and believe again

When motherhood exhausts me

I want to celebrate the joy my family bring to my life

When I think I have failed

I must believe I can achieve my dreams because of who I am

When I lack direction

I need to learn how to accept life and all it's mystery

When daily life stresses me

I need to step aside, smile and breathe

When I doubt myself

I must believe in my love and inner beauty, and celebrate how unique I am

When I am suited in sombre black

I want to be dressed in exquisite jade, magenta and turquoise

When I lose perspective

I need to acknowledge my true worth

And change.

For more Change at Poetry Thursday go here

Being Weird!

2007-02-08T00:00:00.000Z

I've been tagged by Undone Lady.

Rules:Each player of this game starts with the 6 weird things/habits about you. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird habits/things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged" in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

1. I have no toe nail on my little toe neither has my Mother so it is obviously a gene thing
2. When I buy a magazine, I have to read it before anyone else, then I look at the pictures only and throw it down the back of the sofa.
3. I have to go to bed clean and showered, there is no way I can shower in the morning.
4. I don't mind when people squeeze the middle of a tube of toothpaste.
5. I can't go to sleep and sleep well without my iPod playing.
6. I tidy the sofa cushions before I go out of the house, how anal is that, is it so any burglars can sit down in comfort?

I am tagging
Delicious Tammy, Chantel, Dagny, Mardougrrl, Sam and Bedshaped

Sunday Scribblings - Goodbye

2007-02-04T18:15:00.000Z

Goodbye

I had a few hours off today as the honeys were at a snowbobbing party for their friend's birthday. I took myself off to the beach at Branksome Chine, snuck myself in the corner of a terrace bar, ordered a cappuccino and just sat. The view was amazing, a chilly Sunday afternoon, one of those coat, hat and scarf days. A time to reflect. So much of the last few weeks has taken me back, to a time and place when I was deeply unhappy, a time with my parents when I didn't feel included in the family, when my brother god first dibs at their love and time, and also with ex-boyf when I watched him walking away from any conflicting situation......again and again. Those memories have been back in my life during the last 2 weeks, my parents totally screwed up my birthday leaving me feeling inadequate as a daughter and generally crap. It is hard with my parents, my father is blind and I provide much of their financial support; how could I not, they gave me life, breath and being, and where my brother is a gorgeous, unreliable, nightmare with 3 children, I am solid as a rock, the non-wingeing sibling. For my birthday, my Mother plonked 2 unwrapped pots of anti wrinkle cream in my hands. "You can't fight the years" she said; "oh and I assume you are in a 1 piece now as over 40 year olds should never wear bikinis". But we are so alike, and in a rare moment, we chatted like the mother/daughter that we were. Just one moment though! Ex-boyf and I have been re-establishing our friendship, involving some duvet time, dinner out and fantastic birthday presents for me. I had a very expensive red wine, Paulo Coelho's latest book and my fave juicy tubes liploss. Since then lots of phone calls and meeting up. We have done it though, had the make up sex, shared the public dinner, talked about everything that is going on between us, but now there is a widening distance between us as friends because of our insecurities with each other and ourselves. I have read back over my journey and realised that I have spent too much time trying to analyse, rationalise, claw and fight my way from the past instead of just simply stepping aside; much less hassle! I have always craved my parents approval and yearned for my last love, because it was my last love and not the love that will carry me on through to my future. I thought that I had not moved on as much as I had hoped until I realised that that my parents and my last love have popped up in the last month, scattering the puzzle pieces of my life with little thought or consequence, and walked away leaving me to pull it all back together again. This is not my doing. I am just clearing up after a messy guest visits. So back to today, and while I was just sat, sitting, the beauty of my iPod bought me this:

and I smiled, because, in my mind I can see what has been going on and only now I am freeing of the past that has held me back from moving forwards.
This week begins and I can't wait for it to happen. It won't always be fantastic, I will still crave cigarettes 24/7 but know I can do this, it is week 3 after all and only a few infringements have occurred. I have a date with 'teacher man' on Tuesday, and his phone calls alone are like a breath of fresh air. The rest of the week is catching up with girlfriends and then, a kid free weekend as the honeys leave to terrorize their father.
And I'm doing it all with James Morrison blasting the hell out of my iPod, a signature tune for me, if nothing else then of the new love that will be hitting me between the eyes this year. So I choose, to say goodbye to insecurity and the past. I am activating the choice button
Watch this space, and if I fall flat on my face, at least I did it trying.
x

All Nice Girls Love Their Vibrator

2007-01-29T22:43:00.000Z

This won't paste to blogger. I could not breathe for the hysteria that this caused. To all Girls - LOCK THE BEDROOM DOOR

Been Missing For A While

2007-01-23T23:03:00.000Z

Am sick and fed up of posting negative crap so half and half. We are all sick at home, I have tonsillitis for 3rd time in 6 wks, Em has an ear infection, and Boo has her allergy to something that makes her face swell up. We are all on antibiotics, Boo on steroids and antihistamines and Em has nits. A mixed bag of goodies there! My boss has been away for 10 days and have had the joint to run, which has been hard but it's over. He came back, "Hi Rach, everything ok?" and then disappeared for 2 days. Crap, bollocks. My parents should be catholic for the guilt they put on me. And on top of it all I decided to give up smoking so this is day 3, doing ok and only slightly freaking out, patches make me want to throw up with nausea, determined to do it, in bed by 9pm the last 2 nights and sleeping for 11 hours, good stuff. On a good note, the Divine Maddie G and I had a whole wkend of no kids or work, Fri to Sun evening, and the only thing to say is OH MY GOD WE HAD SO MUCH FUN, I wanted my blog gals to be with us, but left to our own devices we had to amuse ourselves to the exclusion of everyone else. In summary, a fantastic wkend, I was asked out by a man, in front of his friends and he was so cute, watch this space for more info, although it will prob read "the fucker was gorgeous and didn't phone", his loss. And in a separate incident, spent 24 hours at ex-boyf's, Saturday afternoon love ins rock. So there!!!!! Oh and FYI, this wkend is my birthday so thought would include a birthday list should any of you feel so inclined:
1. White lillies
2. Champagne
3. Basement Jaxx tickets
4. Head massage
5. A still to make my own vodka
6. Good health
7. To have a group of male strippers move in next door
8. Wkend in New York
9. Someone to fix my landrover
10. All the love in the world.

For those who have supported me in the last year, don't freak, my heart is well protected. x

How To Unblock An Overflowing Kitchen Sink

2007-01-15T20:08:00.000Z

Now at the point I flooded the kitchen floor for the second time in a week, I seriously thought of remarrying. Not just anyone, but the next available guy to stick his head up above the parapet of non-committment. At least I wouldn't have to do all these shitty jobs myself - like unblocking the kitchen sink. But no, I am W.O.M.A.N. and that means I can have a pretty good go at it myself, at least I will have something substantial to winge about when I fail. The problem was in the waste or overflow so careful consideration of the job in hand and necessary tools was made over a quick glass of wine an a cigarette (those New Years resolutions never work for me so I don't know why I even think I can do it). (How defeatest is that?)

EQUIPMENT NEEDED:

I have no idea so did the best I could.

Plan 1: Use eyebrow tweezers to pick the bits of scuzz out. I like that plan.

Result: Lots of scuzz floating in the sink and when you bend foward to check the waste pipe your hair gets wet and scummy with black bits of undigested food hanging from the ends.

Plan 2: Fill the sink with water, insert a straw into the waste pipe and gently blow down in to massage the scuzz away from it's home and out into the sink.
Result: Overambitious blowing results in a face full

Plan 3: A plunger redeemed from behind the toilet, placed over waste pipe will undoubtedly clear whatever is left behind in the pipe and not already dripping from my chin.

Handy tip: Dont push the plunger too hard or it will get stuck on the side of the sink.

Result: Pulling the plunger free with force will dislodge any remaining particles of stale food, with the speed of an exocet missile, skywards hitting the ceiling and landing on the only part of your hair presently unaffected - the top. Mmmmmm, interesting.

But the sink is now clear and free from debris. Only a W.O.M.A.N. would think of filling the sink with water, disconnecting all the drainage pipes and water traps under the sink and giving them a good scrub out, placing them on the drainer to dry. You know that it is better to do the job properly or not do it at all!

Only a W.O.M.A.N. will then pull the plug out satisfied in a job well done.

Result: The door to the cupboard under the sink flew open with the force of water disappearing down a disconnected waste pipe across the floor and down between the floor boards.
3rd time lucky for the floor, maybe that's all the bad karma over with for this week. Last time I fucked up this badly on the domestic front was making soup for ex-boyf without the blender lid on.

Written by Rach's wet socks

Thanks to Jonathen Cainer for my weekly forecast. It just gets better and better.

Saturday, 13th January 2007
AQUARIUS (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
Your Week Ahead: A cornucopia of complication confounds you. Nothing is straightforward this week. Everything has a layer of additional meaning. Entendres are not double, they are triple. Agendas are not so much hidden as buried ten feet deep but are then, somehow, given a smoking chimney so that you can sense their presence even when you cannot see it. What is the best policy to pursue in these perplexing circumstances? Just smile sweetly, act innocent, and refuse to acknowledge anything other than the overt and the obvious. What you truly need to know, you'll find out naturally and automatically as long as you keep your curiosity under control!

In Fours

2007-01-14T02:49:00.000Z

I've been tagged by the delicious Dagny, so after careful consideration, here is my list of fours:

1) 4 Jobs I’ve had
. Travel rep for 200 dancers on a week from hell travelling from London to French Alps
. Intensive Care Nurse
. Restaurant and bar manager
. High class call girl - only kidding!

2) 4 movies I could watch over and over
. Pride and Predjudice with Colin Firth
. The Wedding Date with Debra Messing
. Bridget Jones Diary - well I am British after all
. Love and Sex with Jon Favreau .

3) 4 places I’ve lived in
. Sydney, Australia
. Southampton
. Poole, Dorset - centre of the universe
. London.

4) 4 places I’ve vacationed
. Backpacking around the Greek Islands with 12 other student nurses - oh my God!
. Hawaii
. Fiji
. Any winter snowboarding in French Alps.

5) 4 websites I visit daily
. RWB - one very hot man and my blog crush
. Neilochka - The King of Surprises and the only man to blog a video of him dancing with kitchen appliances
. Tammy - An absolute legend, Haiku writer, Nanna of TK
. Chantal - My blog match, so alike me it is scary, we must have been separated at birth.

6) 4 of my favourite dishes
. Lamb shanks with mustard mash and onion gravy, glass of hearty rioja reserva or Stellenbosch Pinotage
. Chateaubriand, medium rare, with potato rosti, asparagus and poivre sauce
. Mascarpone ice cream - my only sweet indulgence
. Cheese, cucumber and tomato sandwiches with mayonaise, sweet chilli sauce and pepper, with the crusts cut off. Unfortunately a fantasy as I am wheat intollerant. Dreaming is all I can do on that one.

7) 4 places I would rather be
. lying in a flotation tank, sipping vodka collins with freshly squeezed strawberries and pondering the perfection of life
. Snowboarding my ass off in Whistler, Canada
. Crazy weekend in Prague with Maddie G - it's being planned as we speak
. I can't tell you the last one cos it's rude but it involves the new James Bond, a tool belt and hard hat and some squirty cream.

My own fours:
8) 4 fave drinks
. cappuccino
. lady grey tea with milk and sugar in bed in the morning
. hot chocolate with brandy
. San Pellegrino water.

9) 4 fave tipples
. red wine - faves of the week - Klein Zalze Gamay Noir (Stellenbosch), De Loach Zinfandel (California), Finca Flichman Malbec Reserva (Mendoza)
. Absolut vodka over ice straight from the freezer
. late bottled vintage Port, with cheese after dinner
. you gotta love Bollinger.

10) 4 wishes
. to be a size 8 for the day
. to win a holiday touring with the England Rugby Team, and be the only girl on the tour bus with magical healing powers of thigh strain correction massage
. for Em my eldest daughter to grow up knowing that people will love her kindness, sensitivity and generosity, will be drawn to her in the future, not ridicule her as they do at school
. for Boo my youngest daughter to know good health, to look healthy and feel alive and not be plagued by continual mystery viruses.

11) 4 regrets
. that I turned down that threesome a while back, only kidding!
. that I was such a horrid child to my parents
. that it has taken me so much of my life to figure out what I am here for
. that I set fire to the postbox when I was 19, I don't care that the police caught me, what if there was one final love letter in there for someone?

4 people I am tagging
. RWB
. Chantel
. Darla
. Melissa

Hope This Makes You Smile!

2007-01-06T15:13:00.000Z

A woman is trying on her wedding dress in a bridal shop:
The shop assistant approaches her and says "What a beautiful dress, you must be getting very excited"

"Not really, you see this is my 4th wedding".

"If you don't mind me saying you have chosen a very conventional wedding dress, usually reserved for first time brides and innocent young girls" replied the assistant.

"Even though this is my 4th wedding, I am still a virgin and chose this dress in the hope that this wedding would change that" said the crestfallen bride to be.

"I'm sorry Madam, but I cannot understand how you can have been married 3 times already and still be a virgin".

With that the woman replied,
"Well, you see my first husband was a psychologist and all he wanted to do was talk about it; my second husband was a gynaecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it, and my third husband, he was a stamp collector.........God how I loved him"!

What's Been Going On At This End!

2007-01-03T20:12:00.001Z

Em had her 11th birthday on 15th Dec half way through a crippling month for me with work. We went to T.G.I Fridays for a friday night protein fest of steak, steak, ribs and even more steak. Her favourite restaurant was made complete by the arrival of Bobbie, my father and the ever militant Nanna, my mother. Em has always adored Bobbie, as have I, for his kind nature and the time he will spend listening to her chatting away.

I haven't spent too much time lately with him due to various different reasons, but he probably is the reason that I have trouble finding a man, because Bobbie is nearly perfect!

My Mother is a different kettle of very steaming fish, fiery, feisty and always right.........maybe that is where I get it from. Asked to pose for a birthday photo, the 64 year old replied with standard response........

The next 10 days in the run up to Christmas were, as predicted, completely crazy, with me putting in 60 hour week at the bar and trying to pull 'good mum' out of the bag each day. Needless to say I failed at that one but did come good in time for Christmas eve......just by the skin of my teeth. A typical family fiasco meant that my parents cancelled Christmas at their house.......just for a change........in the 11th hour and that was a relief as I was nearly on my knees by then.
Instead to friends house where there were 12 adults and 11 kids for Christmas dinner. They were three bottles of champagne down by the time I arrrived at 1pm having raided work for 'fizzy piss' and delicious fruity cabernet sauvignon and the afternoon progressed pretty much as expected. The boys, below, did a partial strip,
while the girlies,
participated in the age old game of 'flying'. Needless to say that after significant high drink count per person,

it ended like this, with bruises and the odd broken kitchen door.
In the few days off between Christmas and New Year, I gave authority for the flu that had been brewing to finally rip through my body, and arrived back at work 6pm NYE. My boss insisted that we had a few drinks to start the night before the customers arrived for dinner, dancing and, being British, puking and the odd fight. In order to stand upright and not blow snot out of my nose, had seriously over medicated on anti flu remedies which I have to say really don't go that well with champagne. Our after work party started at 3am and another handful of sudafed and benalin saw me through until 8am when my weary bod declared a cease fire and gave up the ghost. We have been watching CCTV all afternoon at work, working out who snogged who in the corridor, who passed out in the staff loo, and watching the odd male flash of genitalia when they thought no one could see. Isn't it great that I know where all the cameras are, and no one else does! Bingo! So now it is all over, a very traumatic end to the last year and huuuuuuuuge hopes for this one.

2006 was my most enlightening so far. I accomplished so much more than I thought. I managed to get a kick ass job which I adore, haul my children back into some semblance of a family unit, keep my lipgloss perfectly applied and all with the help of rather large amounts of red wine, crisis intervention summits with Maddie G, oh and smoking myself stupid. I had a major relationship that ended really badly, we both broke each other's hearts but the wounds are healing and we are actually getting on as great friends, with just a dash of chemistry.

I have learnt to say no to my parents and friends who just want to take from me, to stand up for myself and realise my limitations. I am learning not to throw myself into work at the expense of my family, I have realised that I have not treated my body very fairly and it has suffered.

So this year will be different, because of the places I have been and experiences that have made me realise that change has to come.

I vow:

To cut down on my delicious red wine

To not smoke during the day time

To have vast amounts of sex, because that makes me a much more manageable person to be around

Most importantly, to be the best mum I can be, put my children first and not beat myself up too much when I screw up.

To only get involved in relationships that will nurture my soul and feed my spirit, not drain my life source.

To learn to eat well and sleep all night again and not kick the ass out of my body.

Will let you know how the lucky list goes, might not manage it all, but at least I am going to try!!

Happy new year bloggworld!

Getting Caught Out

2006-12-14T02:15:00.000Z

It's 2.30am and just in from work, thought the blogsphere needs a little cheering up.......
Two women were on their way home from a night out and they stop for a pee in a graveyard. One wipes her fanoir with her undies and the other with a wreath taken from a grave. Their husbands are talking in the pub the next day, one says......."I've got to watch my wife, she came home with no knickers on". "That's nothing", the other replies " mine had a card wedged in her arse saying "We will never forget you....from all the lads at the firestation"".

Shoving Christmas at Ya!

2006-12-12T21:44:00.000Z

Just had to get Christmassy, have been listening to too much Lifehouse and I think it has bummed me out. Am done with wingey posts, until next time, although this blog is titled Crisis Intervention Summit so you can't expect too much tree hugging here. So have bought Christmas cards today had a major chat with RWB, cleared out some of the cobwebs in my brain and am now moving one step closer towards Christmas without wingeing. Want to share one of my fave Xmas films to watch in bed at night, Love Actually. Hope all your festive plans are going well. Happy holidays. x

I think I Have Lost Some Perspective

2006-12-10T19:00:00.000Z

Where it went wrong:
1) Work is killing me, a slow and painful death. Am working my existing hours plus 3 more nights each week.
Party nights - 2. Weds and Thur nights.
All the investors for the bar, plus 83 of their closest friends for dinner Friday night, closed doors to the public, boss took the night off leaving me in charge. Went to work at 8.30am and got home at 6am the following morning having eaten nothing other than a chicken wrap.
Saturday night, another major party of funeral directors, fun or what, 90 A la Carte diners. Made it to 11pm before having to come home exhausted.
Only 60 more group bookings and 12 more party nights before Christmas.

Had a robbery on Thursday day time at the restaurant, I disturbed a whacked out dope head stealing from the staff area, including the contents of my purse. I had to escort him off the premises without security staff or police. He could have hurt me, I was terrified and still feel unable to settle when I am on my own at home.

2) Late night rendevous with my new 'lover' in town. We spent some nightime together last week at my house. This Wednesday he picked me up at midnight and we went to a bar, where we sat in the corner and talked till the early hours. And on a school night too. I am really in the moment with him but we are connected through work so I have to see him every day and pretend nothing is happening. My boss found out. He thinks it is great. I am not pleased with myself. There is more about this that is really not good at all, but I can't bring myself to put it down here. I have to stop this, but I can't, we've already gone too far. I am craving him. Crap!!!! I know it will end badly!

3) My ex-husband remains committed to heaping bucketloads of trauma and non-cooperation upon me. Apparently he is getting married again........! Lets hope new wife calms him down a bit.

4) To all ex boyfriends: "People are exes for a reason, remember that and leave me alone"!

5) Big arguments with Head Chef and Sous Chef all week about their inability to feed me during my killer week at work. The disintegration of a great relationship between us all is hard to accept. We have to thrash it all out tomorrow which I am dreading. I know I am right on this issue, I was last wrong in 1984 after all!

6) Despite the honeys being at their Dad's all weekend, have slept for only 8 hours in total, I can't seem to disengage my brain. It keeps saying "Christmas preorders and deposits, table plans and staff rotas".

7) I can't bear to speak to my Mum because she will moan about my Dad, who I adore, and he is the only good guy in my life that isn't giving me shit at the moment, apart from my boss, who also loves me, and rather worryingly, keeps kissing and hugging me.

8) Em's 11th birthday is 4 days away. Christmas is 10 days after that. I am prepared for neither. I want to have a Christmas planner, similar to a wedding planner, someone to buy Christmas for me, sort it all out, write the cards, do food shopping, just take the pressure off. I need a good P.A. with great organisational skills.

9) Friends close to me are having a tough time and it breaks my heart. We all can't wait for new year, and the promise of a fresh start.

10) I am trying to cut down on wine and cigarettes, I am failing miserably, I need to relearn how to eat and sleep as I can't do either. I feel I am letting myself down.

Following on from my blog match honey Chantel, my letter to Santa would be this:

Dear Santa,

Please can you take all the crap away, wipe the slate clean and let me start again because I can't catch up and everything is slipping through my fingers at an alarming rate. And can my past remain there, not keep waltzing back into the present. Please can I have a better choice in men, as I think I am in serious trouble with this one. I know I will get hurt but I can't get off the rollercoaster. Please can you also change my name, anything other than 'Mum' and 'Rach' will be fine. It is 10 days to the next full moon, please can this be it for me for now? Can you just let me off the hook?

Thank You

Rachel

Aged 40.

P.S. Can I have my age 25 bum back again?

In about an hour this will be me. I need to shelter from the maelstrom of this week. Under my duvet will prove to be my sanctuary, on a rainy Sunday evening, still and calm, all the tension of the last week gone.

Sunday Scribblings - In The Last Hour

2006-12-03T17:33:00.000Z

In the last hour we had 'Girls Time'.

I took the quiet one who loves reading...

and the one who loves to show off in my clothes...

A.K.A. the Nightmare Sisters out with Mads and her daughter. Wet and windy Sunday afternoon at the beach, snuggled up around the restaurant fire, all girls together sipping hot chocolates and putting the world to rights, talking about Christmas presents, boys and reading the papers. Mads and I are suffering from a knackering weekend being playgirl socialites, conscious of the fact that we feel and look like SH**.

Needless to say, they don't stay angelic for long

We are educating our daughters in the art of the Crisis Intervention Summit, long may our legacy live on!

Ok So I Am Officially In Love.......

2006-11-27T20:19:00.000Z

Here's the thing..........had a hormonal shop recently, you know what I mean ladies.

Forced to make a choice between two pairs of gorgeousness, conservative loveliness and outright screaming sexiness. What do you do?

I had to get both.

One pair I have worn to death already, the other pair are crippling but put me in a totally different frame of mind. They jack me up to over 6 ft tall and make me stand up so straight to counterbalance my knockers that the effect is far superior to a push up bra. I'm reluctant to wear them, I think they shall have to be called my 'Scare the Shit out of Men' boots cos I'm never getting a date in those bad boys. Unless I can find a man over 6 ft 2". Only thing is, boots for a first date? Which ones do you reckon? I don't want to look like a hooker, but also want to clinch the deal.........so to speak...........and get to date number 2.

Need to compare?

No comments on the boots in the air versus boots on the ground please.....!

Mia, RWB, Darla and Randi, I know your answers already.

HAHAHAHAHA!

One Crazy Assed Week - AGAIN!

2006-11-18T15:39:00.000Z

It started in serious chill out mode, after my attempts to push the excess button last weekend. Just monging on the sofa, woodburner lit, glass of wine, catching up with sleep, having quality time with the honeys, who are now at their Dad's for the weekend. It seemed that 3 nights at home was too much by Thursday so headed out for a quick drink with Nick, area manager for our drinks supplier at the bar. Mmmmmm, that was an interesting one because, as you can probably predict, instead of being home at 11pm on a school night, responsibility oozing from my pores, I poured myself through the door at 2.30am after spending the evening drinking fabulous cocktails at 1812, Bournemouth's best cocktail bar. I should have known better with him, the last time we went out was the last legendary day of Cowes week in August, when we drunk Mumm all day and ex-boyf and I broke up. With no current relationship to trash this time it was just plain old fun, and only one sambucca.
Last night, after struggling through a manic day at work, dressed in new very sexy boots, Manda and I trotted to a newly refurbed BH13 for long vodkas and then home by 2am. Despite being exhausted still managed to sit up until 5am watching Temptation Island re-runs. I am such a muppet sometimes. I firmly believe that going to bed early means that I will miss out on some fun.
Today has been lovely, slept till 2pm, heaven for me, lots of cups of Earl Grey tea, fried egg sandwiches and catching up on the world according to Blogger. My fave posts today are (as always) Tammy, and Paul - read and enjoy. Tonight am working, that's good as it will at least keep me out of the pub. And tomorrow, taking myself off for a long walk and roast lunch, the papers, cappuccinos before the honeys return in the evening and a new week begins. I'm getting it, what I need to keep the balance right in my life, quiet nights to chill and be a good Mum, hopefully, but also those mad assed nights when I am back to being Rach again. I love her and have missed her around for a while. I have very sexy new boots which look great with fishnets, dates in the pipeline, a healing relationship with ex-boyf, and direction. Bring it on!

Have a cool wkend yo'all!
UPDATE. IT'S 6AM AND JUST HOME. KICKED ASS AT WORK THEN LATE DRINKS IN TOWN. LOVE LIFE BECAUSE I AM AND WILL BE ALWAYS UNPREDICTABLE

What The Hell Was That All About?

2006-11-12T19:45:00.000Z

That was one crazy 24 hours. The date did not happen, which I am not upset about. I have had enough of crazies to last a lifetime so the thought of taking on another was too much. Good friends Jane, Rob and Tony were going to see Viva Santana, a tribute band, at our local live music bar so hocked a ticket and off and running. The honeys went on a sleepover at 5pm yesterday, and I decided in all my wisdom that would have a little vodka cranberry while in the bath. Yep, that was my first mistake, you see one drink leads to two, carpet disco in the bedroom getting ready, ra-de-ra, and when they came to collect me, everything was fabulous and great, dancing mode.......bingo. To the bar and a few drinks, by now I was in full throttle, Rob decided to join me and introduce sambucca shots for us all, you know little liveners. That's fine if you are on your third drink like them, on your eighth like me and the writing is on the wall.
Viva Santana were great, Rob and I got our groove on in a big, show off, salsa fashion and at midnight, it ended and so back to one of our regular bar. By now, am on sambucca number 4, cooking with butane gas and just having a fantastic time. Rob decided to do sambucca shots alternated with whisky to play catch up, the others gave up. Somewhere around 1am the bar closed and we found ourselves on the pavement outside. They wandered off home and I turned round straight into the arms of ex-boyf. Mmmmmmm interesting situation. I should explain that sambucca is the absynthe equivilent to me. I lose all inhibitions, rational thought and become generally invincible, so his presence freaked me out completely. I was calm, walked away and toddled off home via other people's gardens, as you do at times like this.
At this point my phone is lit like Blackpool Illuminations with text messages from ex-boyf, which I, in my spirited state, reply to. The long and short of it is that an hour later found me walking into his flat, getting him out of bed, just to tell him how angry I am at him because he didn't fight to make it work, fight for me. Rant over, we actually had a long needed talk, post mortem on what we each did wrong, until 5am, drunk some more, bla bla. Some of it was hard to hear, and very difficult to say. On a positive note, it only took about 45 minutes to walk the half kilometre home, bettering my journey round there earlier in the night by 15 minutes. As the sun came up, things did seem to be improving somewhat.
Until I realised that I was doing the 'Walk of Shame' dressed in a fake fur coat with some semblance of makeup on, at dawn, so obviously on my way home from last night. Haven't done that for a few years.

Today has been interesting, woke up at 10am feeling exhausted, was right back in the relationship we had and just overwhelmed with sadness, had to have a harsh word with myself on that one. Have had a good day despite it all, thank God for autopilot, picking up the honeys, cappuccinos at the beach with Maddie G, roast dinner with Jane and Rob and kids, few glasses of wine - a lovely Sunday. Now I feel wrung out, emotionally, so much going through my mind about the things we said last night. I loved and was loved back. It is a shame that you realise that too late. But then sometimes we can click on so many levels just not the functioning relationship one. I feel content that I now have closure, I know ex-boyf will still be in and out of my life, he is important to me and I like it that way. No going back, forwards only, a new week tomorrow, good stuff is coming my way, and certainly no sambucca - for a very long time!

Is My House Full of Lunatics?

2006-11-07T20:52:00.000Z

It has been a very weird week, waiting for the full moon. I have just been weird, heavy and over analytical, unnecessarily stressed out and generally feeling knackered. I have not been sleeping well, dreaming vivid stark dreams almost in colour, grinding my teeth (which is a sure sign that I am out of whack) and waking up with jaw ache, headaches, coughing a lot and feeling like an extra from Michael Jackson's Thriller video.

I can disclose that I have been an inconsiderate Mother with little patience, a bitch of a boss too quick to bollock the wait staff when they fucked up, have not wanted to have anything to do with anyone other than my best friend, not returned my parents phone calls because doing that will teach them for being horrid to me! Yeah, bring it on!!!!!

On Friday driving home from work, I saw the three quarter moon with a halo of light around it, so beautiful that it made me smile. The nightmare would soon be over. I am profoundly affected by the pull of the moon, the week before a full moon is so crap and unharmonious in all areas of my life and that has a knock on affect on those around me.

Saturday was gorgeous, a clear day with crisp weather, and we went to my parents for the day, to see my brother and nieces and nephews. I was blown away by my parents, how old my Father looked, and how lovely and kind my Mother was. That was a rare day for her. Even though I love her so much she is, and always has been, my harshest critic, even harder on me than I am on myself. Perhaps that is where I get it from. She told me she always loves me, and that she is proud of me for the life I have carved out for us. Phew talk about a tearjerking moment. Saturday evening was fireworks and gorgeous red wine with delicious Maddie G and her family, a trip to the pub for me on the way home and even running into ex-boyf did not throw me off kilter.

Walking home from the bar around midnight, I looked up and saw the perfect full moon, and for some reason felt a remarkable calm and peace. And stress free it has been since then. Co-incidence or fact? For me it is the full moon that makes me chilled, I don't know how or why but I love the afterglow.

Proof:
Went to work Sunday night, felt fabulous, smart, together and sexy, for no particular reason. Within an hour was asked out for dinner this weekend by a very handsome, tall, Australian 45 year old Man who was attending a wedding at the bar. Soooo cute. Think I need more full moons!

________________________________________________________

“Always aim your goals and aspiration for the moon, because even if you don't make it, you'll always end up reaching the stars”

(My Fave Moon Quote)

Does Laughing Make Me A Bad Person?

2006-10-31T17:37:00.000Z

This was so awful to watch, utterly crippling. It is an interview in Holland for people who have had unfortunate surgeries, the poor man had his testicles accidentally removed in surgery, and that is appalling but the reaction of the reporter is compulsive viewing.

I don't mean to offend anyone!

I've Lost My Sodding Mojo!!!

2006-10-28T17:34:00.000+01:00

Today I am completely random. These are desperate times! I am in the midst of a creative and social dry spell. I can't even seem to pull funny out of the bag, and make snogging interesting to read, so what's going on? Poetry Thursday had to be pics, now that is never a good sign.

Have been asked out repeatedly for the last year by Steve Martin lookalike, aged 50, nice, charming and lovely. It's not there, nice just doesn't do it for me - I can't see him ripping my nightie off and bending me backwards over my hostess trolley. Am thinking of accepting said date, desperate times indeed.

In an effort to broaden my horizons, make my writing more windswept and interesting, have embarked on a crash course in Haiku. My resolution is that I am indeed utterly crap at Haiku, I get the message, understand the concept, even get the Fibonacci thingy, but can I put down words in a numerical combination? Heck No! So I remain a self titled random writer with no particular structure or definition. Bollocks, that sucks! I really wanted that Haiku button on my sidebar!

No am not going all YouTube on your asses, but found this recently and it did make me howl..........enjoy all you women out there.

Here's to better times and regaining my focus!

Poetry Thursday - In Front of Me

2006-10-26T19:44:00.000+01:00

In the vast world we habitate

In the country that I live

By the harbour, a mile from my house

Is my place

In my hat, scarf and coat
On a cold blustery day

Waves crashing on the sand
Wind blowing away the cobwebs

My place for reflection

My little piece of heaven

Right in front of me.

Poetry Thursday - What We Avoid

2006-10-19T17:50:00.000+01:00

I read this week's prompt with slight dread, thinking I would have to face something I was so desperate to avoid. For so long I refused to acknowledge the words of this poem because it meant that I would have to accept the disintegration of my relationship, and move on, and I wasn't prepared to. Now it is in the past, I feel peace, and I love reading the words, because they keep me focused and moving forwards, away from the past. I found this poem in my notebook, no idea where I read it, who the author is, or even if I have the words correct. Any help, please feel free.

After a while

After a while

You learn the subtle difference

Between holding a hand

And chaining a soul

And you learn that

Kisses aren't contracts

And presents aren't promises

After a while

You learn that

Love doesn't mean leaving

And company doesn't mean security

After a while

You begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes open

With the grace of an adult

Not the grief of a child

And you learn to build

All your roads on today

Because tomorrow's ground

Is too uncertain for plans

After a while

You learn that

Even sunshine burns

If you have too much

So plant your garden

And decorate your soul

Instead of waiting for someone else

To bring you flowers.

For more Poetry Thursday, go here

2006-10-15T18:16:00.000+01:00

I have had one crazy assed week. Hence no blogging, sorry everyone.

As usual there was copious amounts of drama, Crisis Intervention Summits with various girlfriends. We talked about boys who should be men, swinging, sex, relationships, love, life, and one man who we believe enjoys the extracurricular company of both sexes. I had lunch Wednesday, early evening drinks Saturday, all evening drinks and revelations on Thursday, and one hell of a party and some serious flirting accompanied by Maddie G on Friday. No sleep Friday night and that forced serious sofa time on Saturday night for once. Even that was good, pyjamas, organic pinotage, lamb shanks and mustard mash, series 1 of Grey's Anatomy, a perfect evening.

And the week is over, I am exhausted and burnt out. But smiling ear to ear, fanbloodytastic! Every minute of it. Can't wait for a new week.

Summary

Hangovers = 4

Crisis Intervention Summits = 5

Revelations = too many to mention, but some pretty juicy gossip

Asked out = once

Serious lusty snog = once but Oh My God!!!!

New purchase = Very Sexy undies to celebrate new single life, lost the bra on the way home from shopping. Crap!

Cappucinnos = too many to mention

Cigarettes = as above

Sleep = occassionally

Realisations

People are never what they seem, and often if you suspect something, it turns out to be true.

I LOVE THE SINGLE LIFE

At Last - The Reveal

2006-10-08T13:31:00.000+01:00

I am back, better and ready to go.

So here it is, the new look, minus 9 inches of ponytail

No need for a Crisis Intervention Summit on this one

I'm lovin' it

A Little Something for the Weekend

2006-10-06T20:02:00.000+01:00

For all those, like me, who forgot to get their flu shots, especially Randi

Whoah Baby, hold on there!

2006-10-05T10:12:00.000+01:00

I never rant, speak my mind, let off steam, clear the air, say what I think.

Here is my pissed off list, you can ignore it, I'm just putting it out there

I am angry that I have had to endure being unwell on my own, that my honeys have had to look after me, walk themselves to school, cook dinner, put themselves to bed, do their laundry.

I am fed up with feeling ill, and not even beginning to feel better.

I am cross because the honeys have not had ME for 4 days now, just a blithering wreck wrapped in a duvet.

I am upset that no one has offered to help us, other than my last boss Sam.

I am frustrated that I cannot ask for help when I need it.

I am terrified that if I do, the answer will be NO!

I am angry with my parents who live 30 minutes away, they could have bought down a casserole and helped the girls with their homework this week, spent some time with them, made everything easier.

I am cross with myself, that my house looks like the scene of a terrorist attack and I look like I have been living in a Kibbutz.

I am upset that, with over 150 people in my phonebook, no one knows I have been ill, probably because I haven't told them and asked for help, although will never admit that.

I am pissed off that my car MOT has run out and I can't drive it anywhere legally.

I am angry that I forgot a simple thing and the microwave blew up because I put garlic bread in aluminium foil in it, whacked up the full power, you should have seen that baby blow!

I am angry that my house and car insurance, car MOT and tax, and television licence is all due this month and that I can't pay it all.

I hate that I forgot the dishwasher doesn't work because muppet ex-boyf disconnected the waste pipe. I flooded the kitchen floor with bubbles as I had used washing up liquid by mistake.

I am pissed off with work. I ring in sick to work everyday by 10am to give them ample time to cover me for the next day. Yet they are pissed off with me because they have to work harder. I COULD BARELY GET OUT OF BED!

I am annoyed that ex-husbands can't really seem to get it together and put their children first. Why is it such a battle for supremacy with them? We are right all the time - deal with it!

I am sick, where are my flowers and grapes???????????

Why do I have to shoulder the responsibility of this family on my own, it is tough enough when you feel good, let alone full of flu?

I am disappointed with Fairy Stories, I want a genie, just to clean our house, buy food and cook us a meal and blow sunshine up my ass, just for a day. That's 3 wishes.

I am fed up with watching Mad About You and Home Improvement on daytime TV. Oprah sucks and the rest is bla bla! Why can't they have a sick person's channel with good stuff to watch. Can't even get The Dukes of Hazzard.

Who invented snot? They should be taken out back and beaten to a pulp.

I am still angry with ex-boyf for his glib comments in front of his friends "I hate children and only put up with yours because of you", bingo - relationship over.

I am upset that the honeys are getting snotty now and that I have probably passed this on to them. They have worked so hard at home for 4 days, and this is how I repay them?

I have so much to be thankful for, but today I'm just not in a grateful mood. Sorry. Not done this before. I quite enjoy a good rant. God I am a moany old bag today.

Right, think that's it!

Rant over.

Sorry everyone.

Will Blogger Beta work any better?

2006-10-04T10:06:00.000+01:00

Tonight I took the bold step and went over to Blogger Beta. An hour of nail biting followed my right click while I had visions of my first forray into proper writing go down the huge great drain pipe. You have to switch, it is the easiest way to change your blog around with none of the goddamm awful html stuff.

It restored my faith in blogger, have changed everything in 30 minutes, record time for me as usually I manage to delete my template at least once in a night.

I am so 'cooking with gas tonight'! Think I may have overmedicated and be a little sleep deprived!

Poly-pharmacy for Beginners

2006-10-03T20:31:00.000+01:00

Well readers and bloggers, you would not believe it,

FOR THE LAST 2 DAYS I HAVE BEEN HERE........

and before you go and get all excited, thinking

"She has ended her 2 month 'dry spell' and is now

a calm and rational member of society"

having had copious amounts of 'extra curricular activities'

I regret to inform you that my time between the sheets

has not been spent looking like this.

Or having a good old fiddle around with a virile young man

In fact I have been adorned with woolly socks and thermal pyjamas, for indeed I have the nastiest case of flu ever to DARE to approach my body.

And I feel utterly bollocking crap!

Good news though because I have found some simple remedies that have made being sick more bearable. Firmly of the principle that medicine is there to alleviate your suffering, why struggle through illness refusing to take anything

- YOUR BODY NEEDS HELP TO GET WELL!

So proceeded to take everything and anything, within recommended doses of course. Have discovered that Benylin and Anadin go really well together

When combined with brandy and hot milk, ok a big brandy and a taste of milk. The effect is quite startling, you have about 15 mins before you pass out for hours, when you wake you feel fantastic, for about the first 5 minutes, but that gives you 5 mins of wonderfulness in a sea of snot.

It's a fair point you have to admit.

And if you have red hot chillis with dinner, you can indeed sweat the bugger out of your system.

Final remedy that is essential, you guessed it Vicks Vapour rub. My Mother used it on me and I on the honeys. Handy hint, if you smear it on your nose the fumes prevent you from opening your eyes so you have to sleep......bingo.

Do not rub into your knockers as a prelude to sex,

I have tried it, the consequences are grim.

So there I was all wrapped up, thermals and socks on, medication firmly on board, entertainment from my most little 'pink piece of wonderful'

(actually I have another 'pink piece of wonderful' but am keeping this post clean - ish)

sipping on a hot milk and brandy at 9am after the school run, knowing I have to sleep and 6 hours to shake this bad boy before the honeys emerge home from school.

And so I lay floating in a state of poly pharmacy, I thought

"I can blog this, haven't posted in ages, I'll just get some photos in case the Omnipotent Blogger God has deigned that blogger is useable today".

Quick google search for vicks vapour rub turfed up this:

The first reported case of transvestism in a heterosexual male that occurred only after ingestion of the contents of six to eight Vicks inhalers

Fear and panic set in, just about the same time as brandy, 10mls benylin, 2x anadin/ibuprofen and a liberal smearing of the vapour rub. Shortly before passing out, I prayed to the Gender God of Feminity, not to take me over to the other side yet, woke up 6 hours later in the same position felt for my boobs and utter relief that they were still there.

I think they are growing, must be all the Vapour Rub and massage.............phnaar phnaar!

Final point: Vicks Vapour rub can turn you, change your sex, upset your male/female biorhythms, unalign your chakras,

that is if you believe all you read...............

UPDATE:

Have just reread my post and for those of you questioning my ability to drink brandy at 9am, I will say this:

It was a very difficult thing to do, but I managed it, gagging all the way

and if you don't believe that excuse, well........

There is nothing more to say

Poetry Thursday - A Feast of the Senses

2006-09-28T01:09:00.000+01:00

I can still taste your presence

It lingers around my room

That same room that I have dressed

To be erotic, sensual and uninhibited.

It has been so long since we parted

And so much time has passed

But still there are moments

When I feel your smell.

I found your pillow under my bed

The one you loved

In an angry rage I had kicked it there

So I would not remember, you.

And I sat on the boudoir bed

My little piece of luxury

Holding it to me and savouring the smell

Of you.

Now I realise how far I have travelled

Since that time

When that pillow was

My silent bedpartner and comforter.

And although I have not changed it's cover

I don't need to, because

I can taste your smell

Remembering,

How you were

And I am filled with a happiness

That comes from losing, and finding

Who I am and where my destiny is.

So my senses are awakened

Where they were dormant and dead

I feel the brush

Of clean air across my face.

Your presence is back under my bed

With the pillow

For a time that

I need the strength to remember the past and continue forward.

I do not have to destroy your memory

It is your presence that inspires me to want more

So when I feel weak and losing my direction

I can taste you and know I am on the right road to my future

And The Pony Tail Bought It

2006-09-27T00:41:00.000+01:00

The honeys got cute little girlie bobs and they look so gorgeous. I was ceremoniously plonked in a chair. Matt said

"How short honey"?

Well everyone in the salon stopped talking and doing their work, so all eyes on me.

"Do what you think, but whatever happens I want to smoulder" I heard myself say

So he put my long hair in a pony tail, grasped the scizzors and chopped it off above the hairband. I could feel everyone looking at me, the honeys were horrified, and there was an audible gasp of disbelief.

It is nearly 10 inches long, represents my identity and, I thought, my youth. In actual fact, I now have a short crop and I love it. It is the beginning of a change and metamorphosis. I feel that I am an uber sex siren again, so if I feel it then I will look it too. My little black book is empty so far................watch this space!

In case you wanted some kind of physical proof.

Oh and there is restoration of hot water in our house, so had a bath up to the waste pipe, exfoliated, cleansed and toned, tweaked and trimmed, what a joy, no more cold showers.

Advance Warning of Imminent Dramatic Change

2006-09-25T21:55:00.000+01:00

I have decided it is time and I am trying not to freak out too much. I have worn it half way down my back for years, loved and hated it in alternate. Tomorrow, at 4.30pm it comes off, most of it anyway, about 8 inches to be precise. My consultation with my new hairdresser over lunch today was very simple, he talked me through the different looks I should have, and my response was simple,

"I want to smoulder".

He was not happy in the slightest, faced with the prospect of reducing my hair to over half it's existing length. Tomorrow is the day, that signals an ending and moves me forward to a possibility.........

And I don't know who, what, when, why or where, but who gives a sh*", it is the end and all that leaves me with, is a new beginning and a new me.

Holy crap, I can't wait.

(if you want to talk me out of it you have until 3.30pm GMT to give it your best shot)

Sunday Scribblings - Instructions

2006-09-24T20:40:00.000+01:00

My last four days have been based on, and existed because of this word - INSTRUCTIONS. Nearly everything I have done since 7.30am Friday until 9pm Sunday has revolved around INSTRUCTIONS. I have worked solidly at the bar, open till close, for the last 3 days, coming home to sleep. I have stepped out of my tailored black clothes, removed my war paint, shower and climb into another set of black clothes, reapply my 'face to the world' a few minutes later, then off for another 10 hour shift.

My work is regimented by INSTRUCTIONS, policies and proceedures. How to set up the bar, table plans for the restaurant, how to serve drinks, make a cocktail, bar clean down proceedure, locking up, clearing tables, cashing up, staff management, stock audit and on and on and on!

But one incident this weekend made me realise the role that INSTRUCTIONS play in our lives, how we have to follow a protocol, a set way of doing something.

At 12.15am I was called to the womens toilets on the first floor. A fight was in progress, a proper 'cat scrap' 5 women, all drunk and high on too much emotion and history between them and the new and ex husbands they were sharing. Ex and new husbands bundled past me in the corridor to get there first, protect their women? Or just to get their own two pence into the arguments.

By the time I arrived, with our security team, it was well in progress. What do you do? Common sense says

"follow the instructions that are indocrinated into you, they are there to protect you",

but those INSTRUCTIONS written in a calm moment, do not cater for adrenaline surges, and a very pissed off bar manager ending a 15 hour shift. (that's me, by the way).

Our INSTRUCTIONS told us to wait it out, standing outside the toilet door, until it calmed down, how can 3 of us take on so many? Call the police - no way, they take ages to arrive and calling them jeopardises our 24 hour licence. So we hatched a plan, formed our own set of INSTRUCTIONS. And they worked a treat. With the door marginally open, each time a guy fell out of the scrum towards us, security pulled him out the door by the scruff of the neck, up against the wall and then it was my job, to face up to him,

"Get downstairs now and don't come back up,, don't speak just vanish".

By the third guy up against the wall, I was shaking like a leaf, so far away from the INSTRUCTIONS I was used to but it was working. All the guys gone, I had to deal with the women next. Now screaming ranting women respond to a calm definative woman, not 2 security goons, because it is proven that if they see a non-involved guy trying to intervene, they all try and put their side of the story to him at the same time, at a screaming pitch. You know what we are like girlies - always right!!!

Into the throng I go, trying to calm them down, reason, rationalise who is right etc bla bla bla. One of the women turned upon me, spat in my face, screamed abuse at me. So what now, WHERE ARE MY BLOODY INSTRUCTIONS NOW? I remembered what I had been taught, split the group, pick off the weakest, get them out one by one, via different exits, just out of the building, keep yourself safe etc. And then it hit me that what is the point arguing and debating with emotion and alcohol, and so, it pains me to quote my words as it goes against everything I have been taught:

(shouted at full volume)

"Oy Ladies, free drinks in the bar, pull yourselves together"

They stopped, looked in amazement at me and each other, picked up their bags, quick pat of the hairstyle, bit of lip gloss, then clip clop out and down the stairs. I was utterly speechless and still trembling.

So ok I gave away a bottle of Veuve Cliquot, boss not happy, but I don't have a black eye, and no one is taking away a handful of my hair. Champagne gone, I was happy to usher them out of the door where it started again on the pavement, and what did we do? 1am, lights up, music off, door firmly locked, close down completed, we all sat down for a huge and very necessary big, fat, hairy glass of rioja. Perfect end. We had to turn to music back on to drown the screaming from the street. I quite like Snowpatrol with my wine at 1am actually.

What's my point?

INSTRUCTIONS are like rules -

sometimes you just have to make up your own ones!

Sunday Specials To Make You Giggle

2006-09-17T12:58:00.000+01:00

Two of the funniest things I have seen in ages. I beg you to check these out.......it will put a smile on your face, that, I guarantee

RWB at his best

Japan versus Darth Vadar

Why does YouTube and blogger hate me so much?

Newby's Trial Shift - Is He The New Demi God?

2006-09-14T01:21:00.000+01:00

So with the potential for a vacancy for a strong and competent bar person, cocktail trained, in the back of my mind, in he walked. One of the most beautiful men I have ever seen in my whole crazy life. Wanting a job. And there wasn't one, but experience has taught me that when you see an opportunity, TAKE IT. I also know that if you badger Chief Boss repeatedly, and on many occassions, he will give in and agree to a 'trial shift'. You have to say to Chief Boss
"Either you give him a trial or I will go on about it everyday, making your life a misery, until you come round to my way of thinking", then persist, discussing the bar GP (gross profit), need for a substantial cocktail list, a member of staff confident to upsell, eventually he will say'
"For F**ks sake Rach, go on then, give him a trial, leave me alone".

Newby has bar and restaurant managerial experience, amazingly cute, prepared to do any job, Africaans. 6 ft tall and the bluest eyes I have ever seen. So while Chief Boss was away I checked out his references and they all add up. Nothing sinister here. So far!

So tonight, 10 minutes early, the wait staff for the restaurant come up to our office, giggling and blushing, anouncing his arrival. The demi-god is here. And in he strolls, humble yet confident. I toss him a work shirt, guestimating his size, XL, and suggest he changes in the toilet next door. But no, he is perfectly happy swapping shirts in front of me. Now the chefs and kitchen staff regularly change down to underwear in front of me, with little effect. But this?

A while back I saw a video by D'Angelo called 'How Does It Feel' and girls, if you have seen an apparently naked man sing his heart out, then you would know where I am coming from. Well Newby is on an even par with D'Angelo, in my office, stripped to the waist, 6.30pm on a school night too. And I looked up and nervously giggled, feeling that familiar surge of utter lust rip through my body (it's been missing for a while)!

And back to work, crazy night, new menu, VIPs, busy bar, and Newby shined, like a bloody lighthouse decked out in twinkly fairy lights. After close down, we all sat and had food and wine, chatted, he made sure I was comfy, had enough wine, lit my cigarettes, was charming and entertaining with the wait staff. I gave him a lift home, in my knackered old landrover, listening to the Prodigy, smoking cigarettes. He is courting me because he wants the job, and why not?

In my mind and on paper, he has already got it. The chief will be unhappy because there is now male rivalry, but tomorrow I begin my campaign to carpet bomb chief until he agrees with me, that Newby, is one hot piece of ass and essential to the morale and motivation, no less the profits and business in received takings.

But tonight marked my awakening, the re-arrival of me, back out of mourning and sadness, back in the game. Newby is off limits to me, as one should never 'Poke the Payroll', but he can pick from 15 or so young hotties, all eager to be the one to bag Newby. But that aside, I feel awakened, and I think my journey from now will be called
'The Emancipation of Me'.

Cracking title, don't you agree?

UPDATE:

STARTED HARRASSING CHIEF BOSS AT 9AM AND BY 9.10 NEWBY WAS IN FULL TIME EMPLOYMENT. BINGO!

9/11, My Story

2006-09-11T23:33:00.000+01:00

I have none!

I am not patriotic, I had no friend or family that died, I knew no one that was there, but this picture moved me - 5 years on. The events of this horror have made me sit up, the last week, and read the news, look at archives of the past, take an interest. We watched this from across the pond, and unless we had family or friends involved, did we really grasp the full impact? For the British here, the protected ones, please look, and listen, read , question and remember, challenge what you dont know and discredit what you don't believe, just remember those who died. I cannot imagine what their loved ones have been through!

Many people say that there are millions dying in Africa, Afghanistan, Somalia every day, and sadly there are, but is this tragedy so different from the starving millions? Why does 9/11 have such an effect? It is unlikely that we will suffer the fate of the Somalians or the Afghans, thank God, to not have enough food to feed our babies, watching them die in front of our eyes. Maybe what happened on 9/11 is more pertinent to our culture, it is more real to us. There is a likelihood that it could happen. It should make us sit up and take note, a little!

I feel sad today, because there are people across the world mourning for their loved ones who died, with no real closure, no explanations of how, why and for what reason.

Just sad, and questioning! And sorry.

Sunday Scribblings - Things I Would Never Write

2006-09-10T04:32:00.000+01:00

Sometimes writers find themselves writing what comes easily for them. If we are good at or believe in something we can write tonnes. If we are bad at something or we find it difficult we don't bother. So this Sunday, the assignment is to write something that you never thought you would write

My Words

All THE WORDS are there, at the top of my mouth
They are ready to be spoken
They are ready to be heard.

They speak of my fire, passion and love for you
Of falling headlong into you
Of everything I had wished for coming true
THE WORDS tell of my dreams and fantasies
My hopes, my visions and my plans, with you

But now we begin again, another chance to love

A new future for us
We have the realisation that we love completely
We speak THE WORDS and we know

I am safe and secure
I don't have to hurt anymore
I love and I am loved too!

There are other words too - THOSE WORDS
They tell of my hidden thoughts and feelings

My insecurities and fears
When I knew I would never get over losing you
When I thought I could never mend my broken heart
When I feared I would never love anyone again

The way I loved you.

But THOSE WORDS are still there
I cannot speak them
For they are twisted with my anxiety and insecurity
My fear that I will hurt once more
That I will lose you again
That I will not get to keep your love

I cannot speak them
I will keep them safe
A silent and invisible reminder of the past
THOSE WORDS will stay with me
They are mine alone
THOSE WORDS are still in my mouth
They will never be spoken
They will never be heard At least not yet!

My first poem - May 2006

I never thought I would write this because I never thought I would have this moment, when I wanted to believe but I doubted. I knew, as soon as I wrote the words, that the clock was ticking!

Rach, Can You Tell Me About Sex?

2006-09-09T05:17:00.000+01:00

So we closed the bar at 1am after a crazy day and night, cleared up and I cashed up until 2.30am, then had drinks and food, allegedly it was food, although not the healthy/good for you stuff. It was my girls and me. We had a crippling day, 9am till 2.30am with an hour off in the middle. So we chilled, chatted on the sofas, laughed and gossiped. And then it began, the boyfriend chat. Now that is fine, until the questions start. Which they did. So to answer honestly and truthfully, or keep quiet?

Just home at 5am. And despite the growing urge to lose the 'Mummy' tag, it is becoming apparent that may not be possible. I covered a wide range of subjects tonight, most predominantly about sex, so call me the 'old fashioned Dr Ruth'. Tonight we did, ALL asects of sex, from the perspective of a 19 year old (them) as viewed by a 40 year old (me). And forgive me bloggers, but I told sex as it should be in the grown up world, you know that kind of sex! And they were gobsmacked, shocked and smiling at the same time. A little piece of future in the making. God I hope so. The whole thing, no holds barred. What an experience, nurturing and teaching, and maybe that is my role for a while. The only thing bothering me is where are their parents through all this? Can they not speak to them? I am the same age as most of their Mothers, but why talk to your boss about intimate details, when your Mother knows you best.

NOTE TO SELF:

Listen to your children more, forge strong relationships with them that will last, and guarantee that they will be able to come to you for help.

And also if being Mummy is how some people perceive you, celebrate that and stop trying to activate the 'Mummy Overide' button!